7 Tips for Living Your Best Life During the Apocalypse

Here’s how to thrive amidst the fire and brimstone

Disclaimer for those who may need it: This is satire.

It’s a new year, and you know what that means! It’s a chance to reflect on all the personal progress you made last year and also all the progress we’ve collectively made toward the mass extinction of humankind.

It’s also a chance to set new intentions. And if you’ve been putting off self-care, there’s no better time than the end times to prioritize some me time. Just follow these seven simple tips:

1. Practice mindfulness

We know, the apocalypse is kind of stressful. That’s why it’s important to focus on being intensely aware of what you’re sensing and feeling in the moment. Don’t attach meaning to the rapidly approaching tornados, floods, flames, or gun-toting Texan refugees. Accept them without judgment.

2. Focus on your core

A strong core helps you maintain balance and allows you to move in any direction. When the fire is encroaching from all sides, or when you’re being attacked by an army of self-driving Cybertrucks, it’s helpful to be able to rapidly pivot without falling. Weak or inflexible core muscles can impair the function in your arms and legs. You’ll need to be able to frequently run while desperately flailing your arms, so don’t neglect your daily reps of scissors and crunches!

3. Stay hydrated

It’s pretty hot, what with the inferno and all, so you want to make sure to drink plenty of water. Aim for at least a half-gallon a day. If you stocked up on all the single-use plastic water bottles that helped get us into this mess in the first place, good for you for prioritizing your self-care!

4. Eat a plant-based diet

Now that you’re foraging for meals Hunger Games style, there’s no better time to make good on your last three New Years resolutions and finally commit to a plant-based diet. Studies show that foods like nuts, seeds, greens, and berries are rich in antioxidants, which can lower inflammation and improve our bodies’ self-healing properties. Just remember, some red berries are superfoods and other red berries will kill you.

5. Keep a gratitude journal

Practicing active gratitude will improve your sleep and reduce your stress. There is so much to be grateful for. For instance, you no longer have to worry about your retirement savings, that big client presentation, or the piss on the toilet seat. In fact, it’s likely that you’ll find yourself feeling grateful for things that you used to take for granted, like taking a full breath or admiring the twinkling of distant planets — which unfortunately, despite Elon Musk’s best efforts, are still uninhabitable.

6. Limit your screen time

There’s no worse time to doom-scroll than during the apocalypse. You don’t need the latest breaking news, and we all know that social media is only going to increase feelings of depression and anxiety. For once though, there’s no FOMO to worry about. #CancelHumans is the only thing trending, along with Greta Thunberg’s “Told You So” TikTok dance. And of course, that girl from your high school gym class still won’t stop posting selfies. She seems to be excited about all her recent core work and her new plant-based diet.

7. Set boundaries

You’ve got a lot on your plate. If you want to live your best life, now is the time to set some boundaries and remember that it’s okay to say “no.” Make sure you only agree to activities or requests that align with your values or bring you happiness. You’re not obligated to say yes to that dude who keeps asking you on foraging dates or those creeps who invited you to drink their Kool-Aid.

It’s a new year and a new you! Maybe you won’t survive the apocalypse, but at least you can thrive trying.