Fun Mom — Interruption #2

Our families call us nags and drags. But dads don't have a monopoly on fun.

Hello again! 👋 A heartfelt thank you to everyone who filled out my reader survey last week to offer feedback for this new series of short reflections on interrupting social norms. It was the first time I’ve surveyed my readers, and I received far more responses than I anticipated!

Based on your input, I will be offering these reflections once a week for my paid subscribers only. I’m opening this one to all my subscribers; if you are currently on the free plan and would like access to future “interruptions,” please consider upgrading your subscription. Thanks as always for your support! Now on with the show…

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My son’s friend refers to his mother as The Ruiner of Fun. I’ve never heard him call her this, but that’s what she tells me. It’s a family joke; her husband is in on it, too. In fact, he may have started it.

She does not find this joke funny. (But it’s probably because she’s not fun enough.)

On the rare occasions that I hear a real-life mom described as “fun” or see a mother in a movie or show depicted as such, it is usually because she has found a way to lead a robust social life outside of her mothering responsibilities. It is usually not because she is “fun” in her capacity as a mother.

Fun dads, of course, abound.

I have never had a “big” personality, one that screams FUN!, but do I have a healthy sense of humor and have been known to get silly at times. Before becoming a mom, I liked to think about all the fun things I’d do with my kids, like living-room dance parties and messy art projects. I even had an opportunity to practice some of these fun things with my stepson, for whom I had abundant energy because he only visited during summers and school breaks.

But when I became a “full-time” mom, all that fun just sort of… poof! It’s not that I never had living-room dance parties with my kids or did messy art projects, but I’d always find myself thinking about The Next Thing, which usually entailed cleaning up and/or rushing off somewhere and/or engaging in 11-step naptime or bedtime routines. As my kids got older, “fun” was something I hastily sandwiched between their extracurriculars, my mind still always on The Next Thing I had to drive them to, or The Next Mess I would ask them to help clean up, thus nullifying all the fun street cred I’d just worked to build.

The real fun, as I started to see it, started around 9pm with my nightly cigarette and a hit of cannabis. By then the kids were more or less in bed and the house was more or less clean and The Next Thing was sleep—luscious, luxurious sleep.

When I separated from my husband and unexpectedly became a single parent, something else happened that I didn’t expect. Somewhat paradoxically, I found that I had more, not less, energy for fun. No longer weighted down by the demands of marriage, able to be more present for my children, and tasked with just doing the work of running a household without the delicate and exhausting delegation puzzle, I’ve become a lighter version of myself.

In some regards, I’m busier than ever, driving kids to sports practices and games every weeknight, piecing together dizzying logistical puzzles on a daily basis, trying to cram the onerous labor of divorce into breaks in my workday.

But also, I’ve started dancing in the kitchen while making dinner. I misuse Gen Alpha slang just to make my kids roll their eyes. I play cards with my son after work and blast Jay Rock’s WIN song when I claim victory.

When we recently returned home from my daughter’s basketball game at 9:30 p.m. on a Wednesday, and our new kittens were rearing to play, the three of us sat on the stairs in our mudroom, dangling shoelaces and cracking up as the kittens wagged their little butts, preparing to strike.

Was I thinking about The Next Thing? Bedtime for the kids, cannabis and a cigarette for mom? Sure, a little. But I let myself sit there and giggle and play. The kittens will be grown up in a few short months, the kids grown up in a few short years. In the meantime, I know I will still frequently ruin their fun. But I can find ways to be a Fun Mom, too.

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