I really appreciate this because it helps me understand why I don't relate to much of the anger in privileged mother writing. I'm also cis and white with a college education, but it was obtained while living on welfare because I came from poverty and became a single mom at 17 (my son's father abandoned us). I had another child 5 years later as the result of rape and of course had no support from that person either. I had to raise my children and lift us out of poverty by myself by choosing jobs for pay rather than passion and yet didn't have this big anger about motherhood and work that I'm seeing from more privileged moms. Frustrations yes, but my focus was different.
I think expectation has everything to do with it. I never expected or hoped to "have it all." There was nothing in my family life to indicate such a thing was possible and I've been aware since I was a teenager that this culture is built on lies. We immediately became poor when my parents divorced when I was 9. My dad lived middle class privilege while we at one point lived in a condemned house with broken septic and had to go eeling on the jetty for meat to eat. I learned early what's real for millions of abandoned mothers and their children. I also came from generations of abused and traumatized people, and at least 3 generations of teen moms. My mom was mentally ill, emotionally abusive, and at times an addict who married an alcoholic/addict who couldn't hold a job after my dad. I wanted but never expected a good partnership from a man or to be able to follow my dreams while single mothering. My expectations were about breaking long cycles of pain and earning enough that my kids would not have to know the shame and hardness of being poor for long.
What I expected was for my kids to not be broken and burdened by Complex PTSD upon leaving home like I was (I now wonder if my mom had it too). My mission was to raise kids who feel whole in themselves and who feel safe to be all of themselves with me, and my kids tell/show me I succeeded. In light of that it doesn't matter that I didn't have a partner or the career of my dreams for those 23 years. I'm a decade into empty nesting now, I've co-created a fabulous marriage free of patriarchal bs, and I'm working on the dream career, so eventually I do get it all, just not all at once. I also have a one year old grandchild who is the first I know of in our matrilineal line that was not born out of or into traumatic circumstances (my daughter is 28 and has a wonderful partner). I could die today without ever achieving the dream career and know this breaking of pain patterns in my family is the most important thing I could ever do with my life. So yeah, different expectations.
Wow, thank you for sharing your story! You have been through a lot. My partner also had a traumatic childhood, not to mention all the generational trauma dating back to his enslaved ancestors, and my fervent hope is to break that cycle. I love your point about getting it all, just not all at once. If I could go back in time and it were viable to focus only on childrearing and community building for the first five years of my kids' lives, I'd do it in a heartbeat. My "career" during that time became only about paying the bills and was a constant source of stress. I'm enjoying reclaiming my sense of self as my kids grow and am looking forward to my next chapter as well!
This is something I've thought about a lot. I'm a well-to-do mother of color in well-to-do suburbs. I grew up low/middle class and our financial situation changed around the time I was in my early teens. I remember both experiences. Here are a few random, incoherent thoughts:
-Unfortunately, there are a lot of huge, gaping holes in systemic support of women and families (basically anyone not a white man)
-Like anything else, historically we're feeling the friction of seeing a very different approach to family life and that's causing a lot of strife and dissatisfaction (until fairly recently, many women did stay at home and that was the family support and no one thought to do anything about it systemically)
-I say this matter-of-factly but women were all fed a lie that we could have it all and we're now realizing now one actually wants us to have it all and that's pissing us off.
-Upper-middle class white women do have louder voices and more platforms and agency to broadcast their voices. I think there are equally as many dissatisfied mothers who don't identify with the upper middle class educated cisgender white woman but they just feel there's no one who's going to listen. Why speak up and waste precious energy that could go into keeping yourself somewhat afloat?
Obviously, these are just my thoughts and experiences (and I have a lot more!) but this is kind of been my viewpoint with tangential experience.
Really appreciate your perspective, thanks for sharing! I'd also love to see white men brought into the discussion about systemic support for families. Things like paid leave and childcare have so long been cast as "women's issues" (and they still affect us disproportionately), but if white men starting demanding time off to spend with their newborns and affordable childcare, we could not only set the stage for more gender equity in our relationships but also more family support that would positively impact us ALL.
"I say this matter-of-factly but women were all fed a lie that we could have it all and we're now realizing now one actually wants us to have it all and that's pissing us off."
There's a deep level of self awareness here that is often missing in these feminist think pieces, and I think that's why they partially irritate me so much ;) I'm black biracial with a white husband and I love staying home with my kids. The crisis frame as you mentioned really doesn't account for my own motherhood experience, and I think it's deeply troubling. One thing I'm interested in exploring in writing, and what I'd honestly love to read more about, is the relationship with how women in your demographic posture towards domestic labor. I often feel like some of the animosity towards homemaking has to do having not taken the time to develop homemaking skills in favor of unpaid internships/opportunities to climb the corporate ladder. Thank you so much for your thoughtful piece, I really enjoyed it!
Thank you Katherine! Yes, I definitely plan on writing more about the devaluation of care work and domestic labor, as it's something I've been thinking really deeply about. Care work should be the bedrock of our society (family care, community care, self care), not a hasty afterthought. I can't speak for all working moms*, of course, but I think the animosity toward homemaking original came from a feeling of being shoehorned into it and not having the option to pursue financial autonomy. Now, I think the animosity comes from feeling like we're shoehorned into taking on disproportionate amounts of the domestic labor even though we have full-time jobs just like our male spouses. And also that the care work/domestic labor curtails our career potential, while having kids actually helps men's careers.
I don't begrudge any woman who has the option to stay home with her kids and takes it! I was really, really bitter that I had to return to work after 10 weeks for daughter and 14 weeks for my son. It wasn't enough. (My husband actually stayed home with our daughter for 18 months, as it was more financially viable at the time.) I wish we could all work and operate in an economy in which men and women alike embrace care work and in which other jobs aren't consuming most of our time and energy.
Thanks so much for sharing your perspective!
*BTW, I use the term "working moms" for lack of a better one, but I don't like it! All moms work, whether it's inside or outside the home.
That is so interesting. Something like this was forming in my mind as I read this article. I don’t naturally have the most organized mind but I think my early resistance to homemaking hindered me developing organizational and other crucial skills that make the chaos of raising kids and running a home easier. So when childcare wasn’t affordable or my husband wasn’t helping enough, etc., I was drowning more than I might have had i been able to value those things, and so was even angrier. Need to think more on this but appreciate your comment a lot.
So much to say — I really appreciate the perspective; as a white woman of privilege, I think it’s important to view parenting through all the lens (of gender, socio-economics, race). I’m older than you; I started my parenting “career” in 2003 — and I want to say, “You are in the thick of it, hang on. And consider that being the primary caregiver is an incredibly hard, challenging and sacrificial job but hang on, there are dividends at the end of the gig, huge ones, you have no idea.”
This is another way of saying I think we’re ready for a paradigm shift in the entire way we talk about the job of parenting. Maybe if we put the job on a pedestal; at the top of society’s “most important jobs” list. Because, it is. The fact that it’s unpaid and, currently, seen as a gap in our resumes, as a limiter to our career success — maybe this is the thing we need to change. Maybe this will help those who parent feel less stressed; less unequal; less sacrifices. We need to make the job important. We need for when someone says their current work is as primary child giver, then everyone else says, “wow.”
I entered parenting already stuck between two legacies — my mother’s traditional 1950s housewife perspective and Betty Friedan’s / Gloria Steinem’a feminist ideology of equity and a place in the paid workforce. As a college graduate, I actively wanted for the latter. Then, I had two children and my life took on the traits of my mother’s. My career became secondary as I didn’t know how to be a good parent AND push forward professionally. It is scientifically, emotionally, practically impossible to be in two places at once. Or, said another way, it’s impossible to succeed simultaneously as a primary caregiver AND a high-level professional simultaneously. My husband had a great career. We are lucky we didn’t need my paycheck to cover our cost of living (this IS privilege, I know). Don’t get me wrong, I was often angry, frustrated and depressed. I tried various jobs from home. I blogged about it. But I wish I could have told my then-self what I know now. I guess that’s why I’m totally overwriting in your comment section (sorry!)
For what it’s worth, please know:
1. If you do a good job parenting, then when the kids become adults, you truly get your life back — and, nowadays, at 50, you have a whole second lifetime of opportunity ahead.
2. I’m a smarter, wiser woman for having parented. I’m a better manager. I see patterns, efficiencies and solutions in ways I never did before. I am calmer. There is nothing I feel I can’t learn. That’s kinda great.
3. There are women like me out here, aware that full-time parenting is a REAL skill; that the best person to hire for a job is a mother because she gets shit done. I believe women can “have it all” (as can men) but how we define that has to change. At the very least, please know that when your kids leave the house (for college, for work, for whatever adulthood they have), you get to put your needs front-and-center again. And, screw the wrinkles on your forehead, you’re as primed emotionally & intellectually for that big career you always wanted. Screw the haters, you have a good twenty years ahead of you to get it all. ❤️
YES to the paradigm shift. It's taken me a lot of mental gymnastics to arrive at this. For a while, I was focused on the flatlining of my career and tended to think of my caregiving duties as secondary. But why in the world would we deem digital marketing more "valuable" than raising a small human?? It's so backwards. I hate that parents who stay at home are made to feel sheepish when asked what they do and often say things like, "I just take care of the kids." I have another story in the works tentatively called "Where Feminists and Tradwives Can Agree "about the devaluation of care work and will definitely be delving into this more! Thank you for your very thoughtful and insightful comment!
This was so interesting. I feel like part of the anger you speak of being a white, middle class woman thing might be due to the fact our biases allow us to gravitate towards people like us? I feel like Black women have been accused of being “too angry” forever. My other thought is that white feminism has promised us a set of things that are essentially about winning at capitalism and aligning ourselves with white male power - and then we realise that no matter how hard we try to align ourselves to the dominant narrative, it won’t work because we’re still women. My solution to this has been to partially reject white feminism and look to the way women of colour have spoken about feminism and being a woman. I love what bell hooks writes. And Angela Garbes is also amazing! I just don’t think that as long as we try to essentially dominate other groups, and be complicit with men, we will ultimately be happy. It’s down to seeing freedom not as “having it all” but as collective liberation. I’m still super deep into figuring out how we do this, but the issues are not within us, they are systemic fundamentally and that’s where we should be looking. Really thoughtful piece!
Yes! So much of this anger seems to be based in "me" instead of "us". No one cares about anything until it is personally happening to them and that is a real problem.
Have you heard of Alexandra Kollontai? If not, I think you might agree with her.
KERLA — this is a brilliant piece. Thank you so much for your hard work to not only be vulnerable about what you’re experiencing but also to cite it and expand it in a way that opens it up to a broader story that I think is really asking the question “as a culture, what’s worth our time?”
I think about this A LOT — most of my writing takes on work from the paid, jobby-job perspective and asks the question “what’s the mindset that keeps us stuck in toxic jobs” and it’s got a lot to do with the themes churning in the background of your piece. In my research, the thing I find most is that it takes a really difficult experience for most people to break with the cultural values of status, wealth and prestige as defining characteristics of whether or not how they spend their time is “valuable.” Most of us have lost our connection with desire, play and rest and spend all our time on the hedonic treadmill of approval.
I made the mistake of reading the comments on an instagram post making a joke about how parents get to leave work all the time “because kids” and HOLY MOLY the comment section was FROTHING with both parents doing the Rodney Dangerfield “We can’t get any respect!” (We don’t! Or support! Or help!) and child free folks saying “It’s not our job to pick up the slack!” And “family is the only acceptable reason to take time off!” (Which is also very true!! And fair!!) But then it got mean, with the child-free crowd basically saying “It’s not my fault you made the terrible choice to have a kid.” Which — I am 100% guilty of having had this thought before I was a parent! But also, wow. OK — is that where we are now?? Children are such an incredible burden if you choose to have one you deserve to be left without resources or compassion? Because that is DARK.
I feel like we have this mindset in our culture right now where people talk about having a kid like they talk about having a dog — like it’s just a lifestyle choice where you should really think about whether or not you are individually set up to take on the challenges and difficulties associated. I think that’s true to some degree, but the experience of being a parent and building a relationship with another human being is nothing like, let’s say, renovating a kitchen or working in finance or running a marathon or whatever other lifestyle choices we make that are about our personal pursuits of the self.
Becoming a parent is a profound experience full of challenges, but the biggest one is the challenge of learning to think less about yourself. I didn’t know that before I became a mom, and it’s a skill I find myself practicing daily (ok hourly). It’s about learning to prioritize the care and support of someone else’s needs and dreams and experiences OVER your own — an anathema to the American Cowboy Squatter fantasy where we’re all on our own to stake our claim. Personally, that change in mindset has helped me become a lot more compassionate with my colleagues, my friends and myself. It’s made my mind more collective, it’s made me more apt to see myself as part of a group instead of one little rocket ship on her way to the stars. I’m not saying you need to have a kid to think that way — but in my life as a privileged middle class white lady, it forced a reckoning in me like no other.
Anyway, your piece is brilliant and I’m so glad it was in my Substack round-up this week. Thank you for this!
I 100% support any woman who chooses not to have children, but I too have been disturbed by the widening gaps between those with and without children, as well as the decline of multigenerational socialization. I've argued this in multiple stories, including most recently, "Childfree Weddings Make Me Sad." Opting out of birthing children shouldn't mean opting out of any sense of responsibility to the next generation. Childrearing should be a collective effort between generations and between those with and without kids of their own. I often think about how if I didn't have my own kids, I'd hardly interact with kids at all. And even though I'm honestly not much of a "kid person," that thought makes me sad. My life would be peaceful, sure, but so much less dynamic.
So many wonderful thoughts in your comment.... you should turn it into a post of your own!
As a white woman, albeit one that has grown up to be middle class but wasn't as a child, I was definitely fed the "your brains will take you everywhere, you will achieve great things!" line along with "you're a career girl, not a 'baby' girl"
I think the only thing I really complain about these days is lack of familial support, but when I first became a mum I was upset by much more - the lack of respect for mothers, the feeling of 'giving in and having a baby' instead of doing all important paid work, the lack of support for breastfeeding after being promised it was the most natural thing in the world and therefore would come naturally. It's the promises we were sold that makes it harder, I feel, not the babies themselves. We're probably doing the next generation a favour by being honest about that.
Yes, you're so right. People think we're complaining about our kids, but we're mostly complaining about everything surrounding our kids. I loved breastfeeding, once I got the hang of it (and yes, I was SHOCKED that it didn't just come naturally!), but I loathed pumping at work. There is absolutely nothing natural, even once you get the hang of it, about hooking your breasts up to a machine. What's natural is not being away from your baby for 8-10 hours a day. Similarly, I wasn't that tired during my 10 weeks of maternity leave when I could just focus on my baby and snatch naps here and there. Once I returned to work though, I felt wrecked all the time. It's not the babies that make us tired, it's being expected to carry on with everything else at the same time.
100%. Breastfeeding my first was very very difficult and I ended up with a lot of physical and mental trauma thanks to a severe tongue tie (something I wasn't even warned could be an issue) - I fed my second for 2 years and am six months into breastfeeding my third and I do love it now it 'works.' I remember asking my midwife why noone had warned me it could go wrong and was told that they weren't really supposed to say, as it can put people off trying - this really upset me, it just feels like another way women are treated like idiots by society once they become mothers
Pumping was one of the worst experiences of my life so I absolutely feel you there. In the UK we're much luckier with our maternity leave, so I'll have had a year off with each by the time I go back to work. I can't imagine doing it when they're so young. Not only do they need you, your hormones are screaming at you to stay with them too. It must be so hard.
I see this anger and discomfort all around me, but I don’t relate to it at all. Interestingly I see this mostly with women that are having children quite late, towards their late 30s and early 40s. I am a “peak millennial” and had a child in my mid-20s. While I have a school aged child already, a lot of my peers are just thinking about starting families as we approach the mid-30s. There is so much thinking and weighing and fear and expectations then the inevitable reality that hits each new mother anew. I was, now many years ago, looking towards this new phase of my life with excitement, with no particularly established career(but a stable great job!), with just the bare desire to nurture a person to grow and thrive. I’ve grown my career with the constraints that a child brings from almost the very beginning, taking it very easy in the early years, and I think this has a very big impact on my non-frustrated outlook. Are things perfect? Absolutely not! Is life easy? Also no. I still quite enjoy the journey. I’m now ready to give more of myself professionally, and I feel like I’m not late for it at all.
I've thought so much about the best time to have a baby. I was parenting a stepson in my mid-late 20s, then had my daughter at age 31. I thought that was a pretty "normal" time to have a child but I was the first person in nearly all my friend groups to do so. It was difficult because I felt like I was just figuring out my professional identity and gaining some traction there, then all that progress was undone virtually overnight. I also felt shut out from all my social circles. It took about 10 years to get back "on track," and to work back up to earning the same amount I'd earned at age 28. A close friend had kids in her early 20s, stayed home with them, and now in her mid 40s is trying to figure out how to use her college degree. That has not been a cakewalk, either. And my friends having kids in their late 30s/early 40s... I think they're more set in their ways and just more tired (I know I am at age 43!). I think with the right social, familial, and community support, we can make any age work, and in the current social context, any age comes with its own challenges and trade-offs. In any case, I'm so glad you're finding a way to enjoy the journey!
Yes, yes and yes. I also blame a similar misalignment between expectations and reality for depression among young liberal girls. Because they were brought up to be kind - bullying wasn’t tolerated in preschool or school - being a good person was about caring about others - but our world doesn’t actually have a real consensus among the powers that be that we, corporations or governments must be ethical - and that’s a bit of a shock and more depressing than if you grew up expecting that power makes right all over the world. And I firmly believe that the world is overall a kinder place today than before… but the ways the world falls short hurts more if you expect it less.
Absolutely! The biggest criticism I've gotten in the working world is that I'm "too nice." And I've also noticed that many "successful" women are not so nice, mostly because they are trying to imitate the "successful" men above them. The idea that you have to be an extroverted, quick-thinking bully to be a "leader" is so ridiculous and says so much about our corporate values.
Bullying might not have been tolerated in school, but it most certainly happened - and still happens. Amongst both boys AND girls. Those who don't "fit" the idea of the whatever the equivalent of The Plastics from Mean Girls will always be victims. In most 'rschools, there's more than one Plastics, depending on the interests. You have Band Plastics, Tech Plastics, etc, etc...if you happen to be none of the above, that's well, the worst place to be. I don't think the world is any kinder now than it was 30 years ago when I was in high school. Says this weird Asian girl who didn't like Alanis OR Cantopop and preferred Broadway and country music. It wasn't until my final year when I went all Lilith Fair that I fell anywhere in the "cool" category. Okay, I was kind of/sort of a closet BSB fan. And Spice Girls, too. I don't think people knew. Lol.
It’s a good point about high school - but that’s when the depressions rates show up. I have young children and the preschool and elementary environment in our liberal enclave is very very kindness and being good people and it is effective, there’s no bullying.
I’m a child of immigrants from Hong Kong that grew up in a privileged environment. I actually have a lot trouble relating to other children of immigrants (whether they are parents or not) who blog because they tend to be from more marginalized backgrounds. And I often get shamed for even openly mentioning that. Isn’t that weird? At the same time, multigenerational (and I STRESS multigenerational because WASP =/= other European groups who came later. I often use terms like Anglo-Protestant rather than just “White”) upper middle class white moms who talk about, say, setting boundaries with grandparents might not resonate too well because I still have to deal with more traditionalist family members who mom-shame, people I call Auntie Karen, whether that’s their real name or not. That said, I think until men in heterosexual relationships step it up a bit more and contribute/Lean In to family duties, we will never be satisfied. I’m Canadian. We have paid parental leave. Guess who typically takes the majority of that leave (when it can be shared between spouses)? Taking an entire year off hurts our careers. You may have your job (or an equivalent position) when you go back, but you’re where you were when you left. The person you were working alongside, who has a similar position could be your boss. Because she had that extra year of experience (it would be a bit unethical for the company to make you her direct report, imho, but it could happen). Then there’s all that stress of taking care of the child and managing the household because your husband doesn’t do his share. We do more work, period. And I say this as someone who actually has paid help. I’m almost 45 years old and I feel like things have only changed slightly since I was little. As in we tend to go back to work a lot earlier (rather than taking a few years off like the boomers. My mom only returned to work months after having me in ‘79 because my grandparents were living with us and (or rather, my grandmother) could take care of me).
So much truth in here, and it's important for us in the U.S. to remember that more systemic support is crucial but won't solve everything -- particularly the gender dynamics in heterosexual relationships when there are caregiving responsibilities involved. The Women's Liberation Movement was all about women entering the workforce, but there was no parallel conversation about men taking on more caregiving. Some of that has happened by default, but not because men have fought for their rights as caregivers.
What would the hetero male equivalent to breaking the glass ceiling be, anyway? The glass…washing machine? Dishwasher? I know it’s more than that, but cleaning is a start. Loading and turning on the dishwasher isn’t complicated.
Fellow 1980 baby over here! I'm just learning about the term X-ennial. But honestly, for me I think "geriatric millennial" might be more apt since I'm feeling so cranky about the world these days 😜
Wow, amazing article and so many insightful comments...
I have two thoughts here, as a fellow white, middle class, college educated, married, cis (but not straight) woman.
The first is that honestly, I grew up in a world where I was pretty damn naive about the struggles and inequity that still existed in this world when it came to being a woman and especially a mom. I basically received a message that I was smart and capable of anything and nothing would hold me back.... Only to discover that there's still a lot lot holding me back. Right now I'm doing a lot of learning and processing around inequality in a way that I didn't growing up... It feels a bit like the anger that I should have been experiencing for years is popping up all at once. So in some ways, I wonder if our more privileged upbringing sheltered us from the harsher realities that many have experienced their whole life... So we're doing a lot of catch up processing/ anger.
Second and very related, I recently saw a post on Instagram arguing that perhaps a lot of the postpartum mental struggles that white women face are because for the first time in our lives, we're navigating a system/ society that is not set up for our success and does not care about our well-being. (Damn, I could find that post and credit the poster).
Suddenly the healthcare system doesn't really care about you, it just cares about the baby. Suddenly, the way that your career was set up before doesn't support your new life. Suddenly the experiences you have, which very well might be the worst that you've ever experienced, are belittled and minimized. (For example, I had a traumatic birth experience, which was the first time I experienced extreme pain and terror... But it took me months to realize it had been traumatic because since the baby and I turned out fine my emotional journey was belittled.). Perhaps for the first time you have absolutely no autonomy over your body and your time. Perhaps for the first time you face open harassment. Perhaps for the first time the perception of your potential or success or intelligence is misconstrued because of an externally visible demographic...
So I wonder if a lot of it is wrapped up in a combination of 1) privilege and the removal of some of that privilege paired with 2) a delayed "oh fuck, it's bad out there, and I didn't know just how bad it was" realization.
So sorry for the late reply to your very thoughtful comment! I always want lots of readers to engage and then they do and I feel totally overwhelmed 😜 It sounds like we entered adulthood with very similar expectations. Part of it probably comes from being sheltered, and part of it comes from a failure of society at large to connect historical dots, acknowledge the persistent power of the patriarchy, and have honest conversations about economic realities. I do think that while not nearly enough has changed, today's younger people are a little more savvy to how bad it is "out there" -- for better or for worse!
And yes, the healthcare system... don't even get me started!
Interesting perspective. The world keeps teaching me how much of our mindset is shaped by generational and class-based expectations, not just race.
As a GenXer who grew up blue collar I *never* thought the system was set up for me to succeed nor cared about my well-being. It was understood men dominate and women were the support system, valuing service and looks. Consequently, I think those of us who make it out have a lot "male energy" as viewed by the suburban white collar majority. Because men were the model of power.
The "fuck, I didn't know how bad it was" is real with a kid. The blinders fall off on how this country does not value children or mothers. For that, everyone should be angry.
This in particular strikes me: "I’m angry that for years, I was pressured to prioritize my job above all else. I’m angry that for years, I wasn’t paid what I was worth. I’m angry that I had to hand over half my paycheck to another woman to take care of my baby — and that even still, she wasn’t paid what she was worth. I’m angry that my children’s teachers don’t get paid what they’re worth."
YES! As a relatively new mom (my boy is 9 months old) doing all this math as I consider whether or not to pursue my career again (now or ever...), my mind is blown by the economics of it all.
There's so much more to this conversation. Thank you for creating space for it all. ❤️
I can really relate to that anger Kerala! Thank you for that important article.
"I’m angry that for years, I was pressured to prioritize my job above all else. I’m angry that for years, I wasn’t paid what I was worth. I’m angry that I had to hand over half my paycheck to another woman to take care of my baby — and that even still, she wasn’t paid what she was worth. I’m angry that my children’s teachers don’t get paid what they’re worth. I’m angry that I take on a disproportionate amount of labor in my own home and don’t get paid at all."
I really appreciated reading this! thank you for taking the time. i think there's definitely something to this expectations gap. i wonder what lessons, if any, there are to take from it. I also think, as some have raised, that maybe white women of means feel more comfortable displaying negative/unhappy emotions, there's more room to show that full range publicly. (and they have more platforms to do so as you note.) I have also just been thinking a lot about language. I wrote out some more thoughts here which you might be interested in:
Thank you so much for reading! Clearly, your article really got me thinking :) It's been fun to review some of the other responses as well, thanks for sharing that link. As far as lessons, I just keep coming back to redefining what it means to "have it all." As another commenter noted, "it’s impossible to succeed as a primary caregiver AND a high-level professional simultaneously." We need to manage expectations for future mothers not with doom and gloom, necessarily, but by honoring the value of care work and by giving them permission to prioritize it. We need to move away from the "corporate ladder" metaphor and embrace zig zags and meandering paths. Obviously, this needs to also be financially feasible and men need to participate more fully in care work. All easier said than done!
I agree there's probably more acceptance around certain groups sharing negatively. I'd imagine some minorities would worry more about it being used against them - both in casual societal settings and in things like child protection cases
I really appreciate this because it helps me understand why I don't relate to much of the anger in privileged mother writing. I'm also cis and white with a college education, but it was obtained while living on welfare because I came from poverty and became a single mom at 17 (my son's father abandoned us). I had another child 5 years later as the result of rape and of course had no support from that person either. I had to raise my children and lift us out of poverty by myself by choosing jobs for pay rather than passion and yet didn't have this big anger about motherhood and work that I'm seeing from more privileged moms. Frustrations yes, but my focus was different.
I think expectation has everything to do with it. I never expected or hoped to "have it all." There was nothing in my family life to indicate such a thing was possible and I've been aware since I was a teenager that this culture is built on lies. We immediately became poor when my parents divorced when I was 9. My dad lived middle class privilege while we at one point lived in a condemned house with broken septic and had to go eeling on the jetty for meat to eat. I learned early what's real for millions of abandoned mothers and their children. I also came from generations of abused and traumatized people, and at least 3 generations of teen moms. My mom was mentally ill, emotionally abusive, and at times an addict who married an alcoholic/addict who couldn't hold a job after my dad. I wanted but never expected a good partnership from a man or to be able to follow my dreams while single mothering. My expectations were about breaking long cycles of pain and earning enough that my kids would not have to know the shame and hardness of being poor for long.
What I expected was for my kids to not be broken and burdened by Complex PTSD upon leaving home like I was (I now wonder if my mom had it too). My mission was to raise kids who feel whole in themselves and who feel safe to be all of themselves with me, and my kids tell/show me I succeeded. In light of that it doesn't matter that I didn't have a partner or the career of my dreams for those 23 years. I'm a decade into empty nesting now, I've co-created a fabulous marriage free of patriarchal bs, and I'm working on the dream career, so eventually I do get it all, just not all at once. I also have a one year old grandchild who is the first I know of in our matrilineal line that was not born out of or into traumatic circumstances (my daughter is 28 and has a wonderful partner). I could die today without ever achieving the dream career and know this breaking of pain patterns in my family is the most important thing I could ever do with my life. So yeah, different expectations.
Wow, thank you for sharing your story! You have been through a lot. My partner also had a traumatic childhood, not to mention all the generational trauma dating back to his enslaved ancestors, and my fervent hope is to break that cycle. I love your point about getting it all, just not all at once. If I could go back in time and it were viable to focus only on childrearing and community building for the first five years of my kids' lives, I'd do it in a heartbeat. My "career" during that time became only about paying the bills and was a constant source of stress. I'm enjoying reclaiming my sense of self as my kids grow and am looking forward to my next chapter as well!
This is something I've thought about a lot. I'm a well-to-do mother of color in well-to-do suburbs. I grew up low/middle class and our financial situation changed around the time I was in my early teens. I remember both experiences. Here are a few random, incoherent thoughts:
-Unfortunately, there are a lot of huge, gaping holes in systemic support of women and families (basically anyone not a white man)
-Like anything else, historically we're feeling the friction of seeing a very different approach to family life and that's causing a lot of strife and dissatisfaction (until fairly recently, many women did stay at home and that was the family support and no one thought to do anything about it systemically)
-I say this matter-of-factly but women were all fed a lie that we could have it all and we're now realizing now one actually wants us to have it all and that's pissing us off.
-Upper-middle class white women do have louder voices and more platforms and agency to broadcast their voices. I think there are equally as many dissatisfied mothers who don't identify with the upper middle class educated cisgender white woman but they just feel there's no one who's going to listen. Why speak up and waste precious energy that could go into keeping yourself somewhat afloat?
Obviously, these are just my thoughts and experiences (and I have a lot more!) but this is kind of been my viewpoint with tangential experience.
Really appreciate your perspective, thanks for sharing! I'd also love to see white men brought into the discussion about systemic support for families. Things like paid leave and childcare have so long been cast as "women's issues" (and they still affect us disproportionately), but if white men starting demanding time off to spend with their newborns and affordable childcare, we could not only set the stage for more gender equity in our relationships but also more family support that would positively impact us ALL.
"I say this matter-of-factly but women were all fed a lie that we could have it all and we're now realizing now one actually wants us to have it all and that's pissing us off."
👏🏻 Perfectly stated!
No one actually wants us to have it all!! So well said. Barriers thrown up everywhere we turn.
Agree! That line really stung!
There's a deep level of self awareness here that is often missing in these feminist think pieces, and I think that's why they partially irritate me so much ;) I'm black biracial with a white husband and I love staying home with my kids. The crisis frame as you mentioned really doesn't account for my own motherhood experience, and I think it's deeply troubling. One thing I'm interested in exploring in writing, and what I'd honestly love to read more about, is the relationship with how women in your demographic posture towards domestic labor. I often feel like some of the animosity towards homemaking has to do having not taken the time to develop homemaking skills in favor of unpaid internships/opportunities to climb the corporate ladder. Thank you so much for your thoughtful piece, I really enjoyed it!
Thank you Katherine! Yes, I definitely plan on writing more about the devaluation of care work and domestic labor, as it's something I've been thinking really deeply about. Care work should be the bedrock of our society (family care, community care, self care), not a hasty afterthought. I can't speak for all working moms*, of course, but I think the animosity toward homemaking original came from a feeling of being shoehorned into it and not having the option to pursue financial autonomy. Now, I think the animosity comes from feeling like we're shoehorned into taking on disproportionate amounts of the domestic labor even though we have full-time jobs just like our male spouses. And also that the care work/domestic labor curtails our career potential, while having kids actually helps men's careers.
I don't begrudge any woman who has the option to stay home with her kids and takes it! I was really, really bitter that I had to return to work after 10 weeks for daughter and 14 weeks for my son. It wasn't enough. (My husband actually stayed home with our daughter for 18 months, as it was more financially viable at the time.) I wish we could all work and operate in an economy in which men and women alike embrace care work and in which other jobs aren't consuming most of our time and energy.
Thanks so much for sharing your perspective!
*BTW, I use the term "working moms" for lack of a better one, but I don't like it! All moms work, whether it's inside or outside the home.
You’re all good— I love where your thoughts are going with this. I look forward to reading whatever else you put out about this subject. 🩶
That is so interesting. Something like this was forming in my mind as I read this article. I don’t naturally have the most organized mind but I think my early resistance to homemaking hindered me developing organizational and other crucial skills that make the chaos of raising kids and running a home easier. So when childcare wasn’t affordable or my husband wasn’t helping enough, etc., I was drowning more than I might have had i been able to value those things, and so was even angrier. Need to think more on this but appreciate your comment a lot.
So much to say — I really appreciate the perspective; as a white woman of privilege, I think it’s important to view parenting through all the lens (of gender, socio-economics, race). I’m older than you; I started my parenting “career” in 2003 — and I want to say, “You are in the thick of it, hang on. And consider that being the primary caregiver is an incredibly hard, challenging and sacrificial job but hang on, there are dividends at the end of the gig, huge ones, you have no idea.”
This is another way of saying I think we’re ready for a paradigm shift in the entire way we talk about the job of parenting. Maybe if we put the job on a pedestal; at the top of society’s “most important jobs” list. Because, it is. The fact that it’s unpaid and, currently, seen as a gap in our resumes, as a limiter to our career success — maybe this is the thing we need to change. Maybe this will help those who parent feel less stressed; less unequal; less sacrifices. We need to make the job important. We need for when someone says their current work is as primary child giver, then everyone else says, “wow.”
I entered parenting already stuck between two legacies — my mother’s traditional 1950s housewife perspective and Betty Friedan’s / Gloria Steinem’a feminist ideology of equity and a place in the paid workforce. As a college graduate, I actively wanted for the latter. Then, I had two children and my life took on the traits of my mother’s. My career became secondary as I didn’t know how to be a good parent AND push forward professionally. It is scientifically, emotionally, practically impossible to be in two places at once. Or, said another way, it’s impossible to succeed simultaneously as a primary caregiver AND a high-level professional simultaneously. My husband had a great career. We are lucky we didn’t need my paycheck to cover our cost of living (this IS privilege, I know). Don’t get me wrong, I was often angry, frustrated and depressed. I tried various jobs from home. I blogged about it. But I wish I could have told my then-self what I know now. I guess that’s why I’m totally overwriting in your comment section (sorry!)
For what it’s worth, please know:
1. If you do a good job parenting, then when the kids become adults, you truly get your life back — and, nowadays, at 50, you have a whole second lifetime of opportunity ahead.
2. I’m a smarter, wiser woman for having parented. I’m a better manager. I see patterns, efficiencies and solutions in ways I never did before. I am calmer. There is nothing I feel I can’t learn. That’s kinda great.
3. There are women like me out here, aware that full-time parenting is a REAL skill; that the best person to hire for a job is a mother because she gets shit done. I believe women can “have it all” (as can men) but how we define that has to change. At the very least, please know that when your kids leave the house (for college, for work, for whatever adulthood they have), you get to put your needs front-and-center again. And, screw the wrinkles on your forehead, you’re as primed emotionally & intellectually for that big career you always wanted. Screw the haters, you have a good twenty years ahead of you to get it all. ❤️
YES to the paradigm shift. It's taken me a lot of mental gymnastics to arrive at this. For a while, I was focused on the flatlining of my career and tended to think of my caregiving duties as secondary. But why in the world would we deem digital marketing more "valuable" than raising a small human?? It's so backwards. I hate that parents who stay at home are made to feel sheepish when asked what they do and often say things like, "I just take care of the kids." I have another story in the works tentatively called "Where Feminists and Tradwives Can Agree "about the devaluation of care work and will definitely be delving into this more! Thank you for your very thoughtful and insightful comment!
This was so interesting. I feel like part of the anger you speak of being a white, middle class woman thing might be due to the fact our biases allow us to gravitate towards people like us? I feel like Black women have been accused of being “too angry” forever. My other thought is that white feminism has promised us a set of things that are essentially about winning at capitalism and aligning ourselves with white male power - and then we realise that no matter how hard we try to align ourselves to the dominant narrative, it won’t work because we’re still women. My solution to this has been to partially reject white feminism and look to the way women of colour have spoken about feminism and being a woman. I love what bell hooks writes. And Angela Garbes is also amazing! I just don’t think that as long as we try to essentially dominate other groups, and be complicit with men, we will ultimately be happy. It’s down to seeing freedom not as “having it all” but as collective liberation. I’m still super deep into figuring out how we do this, but the issues are not within us, they are systemic fundamentally and that’s where we should be looking. Really thoughtful piece!
Yes! So much of this anger seems to be based in "me" instead of "us". No one cares about anything until it is personally happening to them and that is a real problem.
Have you heard of Alexandra Kollontai? If not, I think you might agree with her.
https://ak47.buzzsprout.com/
Thank you!! I’ll check it out x
KERLA — this is a brilliant piece. Thank you so much for your hard work to not only be vulnerable about what you’re experiencing but also to cite it and expand it in a way that opens it up to a broader story that I think is really asking the question “as a culture, what’s worth our time?”
I think about this A LOT — most of my writing takes on work from the paid, jobby-job perspective and asks the question “what’s the mindset that keeps us stuck in toxic jobs” and it’s got a lot to do with the themes churning in the background of your piece. In my research, the thing I find most is that it takes a really difficult experience for most people to break with the cultural values of status, wealth and prestige as defining characteristics of whether or not how they spend their time is “valuable.” Most of us have lost our connection with desire, play and rest and spend all our time on the hedonic treadmill of approval.
I made the mistake of reading the comments on an instagram post making a joke about how parents get to leave work all the time “because kids” and HOLY MOLY the comment section was FROTHING with both parents doing the Rodney Dangerfield “We can’t get any respect!” (We don’t! Or support! Or help!) and child free folks saying “It’s not our job to pick up the slack!” And “family is the only acceptable reason to take time off!” (Which is also very true!! And fair!!) But then it got mean, with the child-free crowd basically saying “It’s not my fault you made the terrible choice to have a kid.” Which — I am 100% guilty of having had this thought before I was a parent! But also, wow. OK — is that where we are now?? Children are such an incredible burden if you choose to have one you deserve to be left without resources or compassion? Because that is DARK.
I feel like we have this mindset in our culture right now where people talk about having a kid like they talk about having a dog — like it’s just a lifestyle choice where you should really think about whether or not you are individually set up to take on the challenges and difficulties associated. I think that’s true to some degree, but the experience of being a parent and building a relationship with another human being is nothing like, let’s say, renovating a kitchen or working in finance or running a marathon or whatever other lifestyle choices we make that are about our personal pursuits of the self.
Becoming a parent is a profound experience full of challenges, but the biggest one is the challenge of learning to think less about yourself. I didn’t know that before I became a mom, and it’s a skill I find myself practicing daily (ok hourly). It’s about learning to prioritize the care and support of someone else’s needs and dreams and experiences OVER your own — an anathema to the American Cowboy Squatter fantasy where we’re all on our own to stake our claim. Personally, that change in mindset has helped me become a lot more compassionate with my colleagues, my friends and myself. It’s made my mind more collective, it’s made me more apt to see myself as part of a group instead of one little rocket ship on her way to the stars. I’m not saying you need to have a kid to think that way — but in my life as a privileged middle class white lady, it forced a reckoning in me like no other.
Anyway, your piece is brilliant and I’m so glad it was in my Substack round-up this week. Thank you for this!
I 100% support any woman who chooses not to have children, but I too have been disturbed by the widening gaps between those with and without children, as well as the decline of multigenerational socialization. I've argued this in multiple stories, including most recently, "Childfree Weddings Make Me Sad." Opting out of birthing children shouldn't mean opting out of any sense of responsibility to the next generation. Childrearing should be a collective effort between generations and between those with and without kids of their own. I often think about how if I didn't have my own kids, I'd hardly interact with kids at all. And even though I'm honestly not much of a "kid person," that thought makes me sad. My life would be peaceful, sure, but so much less dynamic.
So many wonderful thoughts in your comment.... you should turn it into a post of your own!
As a white woman, albeit one that has grown up to be middle class but wasn't as a child, I was definitely fed the "your brains will take you everywhere, you will achieve great things!" line along with "you're a career girl, not a 'baby' girl"
I think the only thing I really complain about these days is lack of familial support, but when I first became a mum I was upset by much more - the lack of respect for mothers, the feeling of 'giving in and having a baby' instead of doing all important paid work, the lack of support for breastfeeding after being promised it was the most natural thing in the world and therefore would come naturally. It's the promises we were sold that makes it harder, I feel, not the babies themselves. We're probably doing the next generation a favour by being honest about that.
Yes, you're so right. People think we're complaining about our kids, but we're mostly complaining about everything surrounding our kids. I loved breastfeeding, once I got the hang of it (and yes, I was SHOCKED that it didn't just come naturally!), but I loathed pumping at work. There is absolutely nothing natural, even once you get the hang of it, about hooking your breasts up to a machine. What's natural is not being away from your baby for 8-10 hours a day. Similarly, I wasn't that tired during my 10 weeks of maternity leave when I could just focus on my baby and snatch naps here and there. Once I returned to work though, I felt wrecked all the time. It's not the babies that make us tired, it's being expected to carry on with everything else at the same time.
100%. Breastfeeding my first was very very difficult and I ended up with a lot of physical and mental trauma thanks to a severe tongue tie (something I wasn't even warned could be an issue) - I fed my second for 2 years and am six months into breastfeeding my third and I do love it now it 'works.' I remember asking my midwife why noone had warned me it could go wrong and was told that they weren't really supposed to say, as it can put people off trying - this really upset me, it just feels like another way women are treated like idiots by society once they become mothers
Pumping was one of the worst experiences of my life so I absolutely feel you there. In the UK we're much luckier with our maternity leave, so I'll have had a year off with each by the time I go back to work. I can't imagine doing it when they're so young. Not only do they need you, your hormones are screaming at you to stay with them too. It must be so hard.
I see this anger and discomfort all around me, but I don’t relate to it at all. Interestingly I see this mostly with women that are having children quite late, towards their late 30s and early 40s. I am a “peak millennial” and had a child in my mid-20s. While I have a school aged child already, a lot of my peers are just thinking about starting families as we approach the mid-30s. There is so much thinking and weighing and fear and expectations then the inevitable reality that hits each new mother anew. I was, now many years ago, looking towards this new phase of my life with excitement, with no particularly established career(but a stable great job!), with just the bare desire to nurture a person to grow and thrive. I’ve grown my career with the constraints that a child brings from almost the very beginning, taking it very easy in the early years, and I think this has a very big impact on my non-frustrated outlook. Are things perfect? Absolutely not! Is life easy? Also no. I still quite enjoy the journey. I’m now ready to give more of myself professionally, and I feel like I’m not late for it at all.
I've thought so much about the best time to have a baby. I was parenting a stepson in my mid-late 20s, then had my daughter at age 31. I thought that was a pretty "normal" time to have a child but I was the first person in nearly all my friend groups to do so. It was difficult because I felt like I was just figuring out my professional identity and gaining some traction there, then all that progress was undone virtually overnight. I also felt shut out from all my social circles. It took about 10 years to get back "on track," and to work back up to earning the same amount I'd earned at age 28. A close friend had kids in her early 20s, stayed home with them, and now in her mid 40s is trying to figure out how to use her college degree. That has not been a cakewalk, either. And my friends having kids in their late 30s/early 40s... I think they're more set in their ways and just more tired (I know I am at age 43!). I think with the right social, familial, and community support, we can make any age work, and in the current social context, any age comes with its own challenges and trade-offs. In any case, I'm so glad you're finding a way to enjoy the journey!
Yes, yes and yes. I also blame a similar misalignment between expectations and reality for depression among young liberal girls. Because they were brought up to be kind - bullying wasn’t tolerated in preschool or school - being a good person was about caring about others - but our world doesn’t actually have a real consensus among the powers that be that we, corporations or governments must be ethical - and that’s a bit of a shock and more depressing than if you grew up expecting that power makes right all over the world. And I firmly believe that the world is overall a kinder place today than before… but the ways the world falls short hurts more if you expect it less.
Absolutely! The biggest criticism I've gotten in the working world is that I'm "too nice." And I've also noticed that many "successful" women are not so nice, mostly because they are trying to imitate the "successful" men above them. The idea that you have to be an extroverted, quick-thinking bully to be a "leader" is so ridiculous and says so much about our corporate values.
Bullying might not have been tolerated in school, but it most certainly happened - and still happens. Amongst both boys AND girls. Those who don't "fit" the idea of the whatever the equivalent of The Plastics from Mean Girls will always be victims. In most 'rschools, there's more than one Plastics, depending on the interests. You have Band Plastics, Tech Plastics, etc, etc...if you happen to be none of the above, that's well, the worst place to be. I don't think the world is any kinder now than it was 30 years ago when I was in high school. Says this weird Asian girl who didn't like Alanis OR Cantopop and preferred Broadway and country music. It wasn't until my final year when I went all Lilith Fair that I fell anywhere in the "cool" category. Okay, I was kind of/sort of a closet BSB fan. And Spice Girls, too. I don't think people knew. Lol.
It’s a good point about high school - but that’s when the depressions rates show up. I have young children and the preschool and elementary environment in our liberal enclave is very very kindness and being good people and it is effective, there’s no bullying.
I’m a child of immigrants from Hong Kong that grew up in a privileged environment. I actually have a lot trouble relating to other children of immigrants (whether they are parents or not) who blog because they tend to be from more marginalized backgrounds. And I often get shamed for even openly mentioning that. Isn’t that weird? At the same time, multigenerational (and I STRESS multigenerational because WASP =/= other European groups who came later. I often use terms like Anglo-Protestant rather than just “White”) upper middle class white moms who talk about, say, setting boundaries with grandparents might not resonate too well because I still have to deal with more traditionalist family members who mom-shame, people I call Auntie Karen, whether that’s their real name or not. That said, I think until men in heterosexual relationships step it up a bit more and contribute/Lean In to family duties, we will never be satisfied. I’m Canadian. We have paid parental leave. Guess who typically takes the majority of that leave (when it can be shared between spouses)? Taking an entire year off hurts our careers. You may have your job (or an equivalent position) when you go back, but you’re where you were when you left. The person you were working alongside, who has a similar position could be your boss. Because she had that extra year of experience (it would be a bit unethical for the company to make you her direct report, imho, but it could happen). Then there’s all that stress of taking care of the child and managing the household because your husband doesn’t do his share. We do more work, period. And I say this as someone who actually has paid help. I’m almost 45 years old and I feel like things have only changed slightly since I was little. As in we tend to go back to work a lot earlier (rather than taking a few years off like the boomers. My mom only returned to work months after having me in ‘79 because my grandparents were living with us and (or rather, my grandmother) could take care of me).
So much truth in here, and it's important for us in the U.S. to remember that more systemic support is crucial but won't solve everything -- particularly the gender dynamics in heterosexual relationships when there are caregiving responsibilities involved. The Women's Liberation Movement was all about women entering the workforce, but there was no parallel conversation about men taking on more caregiving. Some of that has happened by default, but not because men have fought for their rights as caregivers.
What would the hetero male equivalent to breaking the glass ceiling be, anyway? The glass…washing machine? Dishwasher? I know it’s more than that, but cleaning is a start. Loading and turning on the dishwasher isn’t complicated.
This is such a great piece. By the way, I call myself an X-ennial since I was born in 1980. Better than geriatric millennial!
Fellow 1980 baby over here! I'm just learning about the term X-ennial. But honestly, for me I think "geriatric millennial" might be more apt since I'm feeling so cranky about the world these days 😜
Wow, amazing article and so many insightful comments...
I have two thoughts here, as a fellow white, middle class, college educated, married, cis (but not straight) woman.
The first is that honestly, I grew up in a world where I was pretty damn naive about the struggles and inequity that still existed in this world when it came to being a woman and especially a mom. I basically received a message that I was smart and capable of anything and nothing would hold me back.... Only to discover that there's still a lot lot holding me back. Right now I'm doing a lot of learning and processing around inequality in a way that I didn't growing up... It feels a bit like the anger that I should have been experiencing for years is popping up all at once. So in some ways, I wonder if our more privileged upbringing sheltered us from the harsher realities that many have experienced their whole life... So we're doing a lot of catch up processing/ anger.
Second and very related, I recently saw a post on Instagram arguing that perhaps a lot of the postpartum mental struggles that white women face are because for the first time in our lives, we're navigating a system/ society that is not set up for our success and does not care about our well-being. (Damn, I could find that post and credit the poster).
Suddenly the healthcare system doesn't really care about you, it just cares about the baby. Suddenly, the way that your career was set up before doesn't support your new life. Suddenly the experiences you have, which very well might be the worst that you've ever experienced, are belittled and minimized. (For example, I had a traumatic birth experience, which was the first time I experienced extreme pain and terror... But it took me months to realize it had been traumatic because since the baby and I turned out fine my emotional journey was belittled.). Perhaps for the first time you have absolutely no autonomy over your body and your time. Perhaps for the first time you face open harassment. Perhaps for the first time the perception of your potential or success or intelligence is misconstrued because of an externally visible demographic...
So I wonder if a lot of it is wrapped up in a combination of 1) privilege and the removal of some of that privilege paired with 2) a delayed "oh fuck, it's bad out there, and I didn't know just how bad it was" realization.
So sorry for the late reply to your very thoughtful comment! I always want lots of readers to engage and then they do and I feel totally overwhelmed 😜 It sounds like we entered adulthood with very similar expectations. Part of it probably comes from being sheltered, and part of it comes from a failure of society at large to connect historical dots, acknowledge the persistent power of the patriarchy, and have honest conversations about economic realities. I do think that while not nearly enough has changed, today's younger people are a little more savvy to how bad it is "out there" -- for better or for worse!
And yes, the healthcare system... don't even get me started!
Interesting perspective. The world keeps teaching me how much of our mindset is shaped by generational and class-based expectations, not just race.
As a GenXer who grew up blue collar I *never* thought the system was set up for me to succeed nor cared about my well-being. It was understood men dominate and women were the support system, valuing service and looks. Consequently, I think those of us who make it out have a lot "male energy" as viewed by the suburban white collar majority. Because men were the model of power.
The "fuck, I didn't know how bad it was" is real with a kid. The blinders fall off on how this country does not value children or mothers. For that, everyone should be angry.
Oh my goodness, I love this so much and wrote an essay recently that shares my take / similar perspective, as a fellow white, middle-class, hetero, cis, married mom: https://miriamcruz.substack.com/p/mothering-from-the-void?utm_source=profile&utm_medium=reader2
This in particular strikes me: "I’m angry that for years, I was pressured to prioritize my job above all else. I’m angry that for years, I wasn’t paid what I was worth. I’m angry that I had to hand over half my paycheck to another woman to take care of my baby — and that even still, she wasn’t paid what she was worth. I’m angry that my children’s teachers don’t get paid what they’re worth."
YES! As a relatively new mom (my boy is 9 months old) doing all this math as I consider whether or not to pursue my career again (now or ever...), my mind is blown by the economics of it all.
There's so much more to this conversation. Thank you for creating space for it all. ❤️
Got a little inundated by comments on this story, apologies for the late reply! I love your story, speaks to so much of what I felt as a new mom.
I can really relate to that anger Kerala! Thank you for that important article.
"I’m angry that for years, I was pressured to prioritize my job above all else. I’m angry that for years, I wasn’t paid what I was worth. I’m angry that I had to hand over half my paycheck to another woman to take care of my baby — and that even still, she wasn’t paid what she was worth. I’m angry that my children’s teachers don’t get paid what they’re worth. I’m angry that I take on a disproportionate amount of labor in my own home and don’t get paid at all."
I really appreciated reading this! thank you for taking the time. i think there's definitely something to this expectations gap. i wonder what lessons, if any, there are to take from it. I also think, as some have raised, that maybe white women of means feel more comfortable displaying negative/unhappy emotions, there's more room to show that full range publicly. (and they have more platforms to do so as you note.) I have also just been thinking a lot about language. I wrote out some more thoughts here which you might be interested in:
https://rmcohen.substack.com/p/a-review-of-responses-to-my-essay?utm_source=profile&utm_medium=reader2
Thank you so much for reading! Clearly, your article really got me thinking :) It's been fun to review some of the other responses as well, thanks for sharing that link. As far as lessons, I just keep coming back to redefining what it means to "have it all." As another commenter noted, "it’s impossible to succeed as a primary caregiver AND a high-level professional simultaneously." We need to manage expectations for future mothers not with doom and gloom, necessarily, but by honoring the value of care work and by giving them permission to prioritize it. We need to move away from the "corporate ladder" metaphor and embrace zig zags and meandering paths. Obviously, this needs to also be financially feasible and men need to participate more fully in care work. All easier said than done!
I agree there's probably more acceptance around certain groups sharing negatively. I'd imagine some minorities would worry more about it being used against them - both in casual societal settings and in things like child protection cases
GREAT post, Kerala, and one I relate to so much.