Omg. While not exactly the same, this hit home. I get the I can’t read your mind, but then after so many years, don’t you know me? Don’t you see the dust bubbles and trails of kitty litter? It bless his heart, he does clean the cat litter box and take out the garbage without me asking, but……..
Thanks for your story, it resonated a lot with me! Men seem to be completely obvious to the clutter needing to be put away, the piles of laundry to be folded. When Husband does the dishes, he loads the dishwasher and does the dishes. When I do the dishes, it's the same but also wipe the stove top, sweep the floor, bleach the counters. He does his own laundry, but I do mine, the kid's, the sheets and towels and fold and out away. Although I'm on strike and no longer fold the kid's clothes, just stuff them in the drawer. To be fair, he does manage the mental load of kiddos medical stuff, like reordering prescriptions , bloodwork and specialty formula. He managed as a single parent for month while I was away for immigration approval.
My daughter also has a highly elaborate bedtime routine that doesn't end before 9pm, leaving me exhausted and good for nothing else. Fingers crossed its just a phase.
I know you've written about this before, but it gets me every time. I once commented to my husband that if I didn't wash the sheets they'd never get washed, and he suggested I delegate that task to him. WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO DELEGATE? Don't grown men wash their sheets? Sometimes I start listing the many things I take care of, including getting our taxes done (and we don't have kids), and he seems to get it. But does anything change? Well, very little, very slowly.
Apparently women in the Middle Ages had the same problem. They were expected to work (mostly in the fields, since 80% of people were peasants), and when they came in from work, they might encounter this:
“What kind of position is the wife in who when she comes in, hears her child screaming, sees the cat at the filch and the dog at the hide, her loaf burning on the hearth and her calf suckling, the pot boiling over into the fire — and her husband complaining.”
Great piece. It still amazes me how ill-prepared most of us are when we have children, that we haven’t developed rituals or widely-available curricula for how to communicate about this stuff, before it hits us. So we each navigate our way into/ through parenthood on our own, individual, gendered paths, somewhat blind to the other’s experience. Also, there’s SO much work involved in looking after children and running a household - and that’s something one doesn’t really realise until one does it oneself. That’s why I think solo parental leave reserved for fathers would be a big help: we’re pushing for this in the UK, but that’s proving quite a battle
So well said! I couldn't agree more. And parental leave for both mothers and fathers would be one huge step toward establishing equity early on in the relationship.
Omg. While not exactly the same, this hit home. I get the I can’t read your mind, but then after so many years, don’t you know me? Don’t you see the dust bubbles and trails of kitty litter? It bless his heart, he does clean the cat litter box and take out the garbage without me asking, but……..
Thanks for your story, it resonated a lot with me! Men seem to be completely obvious to the clutter needing to be put away, the piles of laundry to be folded. When Husband does the dishes, he loads the dishwasher and does the dishes. When I do the dishes, it's the same but also wipe the stove top, sweep the floor, bleach the counters. He does his own laundry, but I do mine, the kid's, the sheets and towels and fold and out away. Although I'm on strike and no longer fold the kid's clothes, just stuff them in the drawer. To be fair, he does manage the mental load of kiddos medical stuff, like reordering prescriptions , bloodwork and specialty formula. He managed as a single parent for month while I was away for immigration approval.
My daughter also has a highly elaborate bedtime routine that doesn't end before 9pm, leaving me exhausted and good for nothing else. Fingers crossed its just a phase.
Also meant to say it complemented your other piece earlier this week very well!
I know you've written about this before, but it gets me every time. I once commented to my husband that if I didn't wash the sheets they'd never get washed, and he suggested I delegate that task to him. WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO DELEGATE? Don't grown men wash their sheets? Sometimes I start listing the many things I take care of, including getting our taxes done (and we don't have kids), and he seems to get it. But does anything change? Well, very little, very slowly.
Apparently women in the Middle Ages had the same problem. They were expected to work (mostly in the fields, since 80% of people were peasants), and when they came in from work, they might encounter this:
“What kind of position is the wife in who when she comes in, hears her child screaming, sees the cat at the filch and the dog at the hide, her loaf burning on the hearth and her calf suckling, the pot boiling over into the fire — and her husband complaining.”
— Hali Meiðhad (Holy Maidenhood), 1190–1225
Great piece. It still amazes me how ill-prepared most of us are when we have children, that we haven’t developed rituals or widely-available curricula for how to communicate about this stuff, before it hits us. So we each navigate our way into/ through parenthood on our own, individual, gendered paths, somewhat blind to the other’s experience. Also, there’s SO much work involved in looking after children and running a household - and that’s something one doesn’t really realise until one does it oneself. That’s why I think solo parental leave reserved for fathers would be a big help: we’re pushing for this in the UK, but that’s proving quite a battle
So well said! I couldn't agree more. And parental leave for both mothers and fathers would be one huge step toward establishing equity early on in the relationship.