"I’m far more angry at the social forces that dictated we make lifelong vows to one another and then turned their attention to slowly sucking us dry. "
Oh my gosh, this whole article is so freaking relatable. Yes to the hourly emotional 180s. Yes to all the systemic pressure on marriage. Yes to what a horridly unfair term "failed marriage" is. Just all of it- as writers we're told to write from our scars, not from our wounds, but there is something so relatable and connecting about hearing about someone's present-tense reality instead of past-tense musings. Thank you.
Thank you Celeste! And yes, I'm not always sure that publicly processing such intensely personal things is a good idea (definitely held my breath as I hit the Publish button on this one), but my hope is that it can give some comfort to those who relate. Which seems to be a lot of us!
I never really had to juggle marriage and parenthood because by the time I became a parent, my marriage was largely over. We just coparented and it was so much easier than managing a marriage at the same time. I’ve often wondered how people do it all and it really is just. too. much. There’s the pressure to advance at work, to actually perform at work, to show up as a partner, to show up as a parent, and to juggle all of the tasks all at once.
I do think we should celebrate taking relationship breaks, turning marriage into coparenting, when we need to. Even without marriage, I never had time to think about myself until my child was old enough to not need me all the time. When you finally do, you start to figure out how much you didn’t know about yourself and how much of you was buried underneath all of the demands of life…that, too, needs processing. Best of luck with your process — I think it’s absolutely worth it to take the time to understand ourselves better.
You are speaking my language. There's way too much pressure on two people to fulfill a vast array of roles, and I don't think it's really possible to do all of them well. If we're killing it at work, someone at home is picking up the slack. If we're investing energy in our children, we don't always much left over for our partner. If we're awesome at co-parenting, we might have a hard time seeing one another as romantic partners. It's. Just. Too. Much!!
This is so beautifully written. I completely relate. You are not a failure if your marriage failed. And did it fail or did you change since you said your vows? That's my story. I am not the person at 52 that I was at 24 when I got married. The marriage didn't fail, we grew apart, I to different people on different paths. Marriage is hard, and makes no sense that it would last forever unless you grow at the same rate in the same direction. Or like you basically said, resign yourself to what you've got. I feel like we deserve more than that.
Absolutely. I think we can accept that sometimes things run their natural course. We all have had friends we're not close to anymore, but we don't talk about "failed friendships." Or we move on from jobs that aren't serving us anymore, but we don't talk about "failed jobs." It's just a weird and inaccurate way to frame a constantly evolving long-term relationship.
Thanks for sharing. Fifty years together and I find myself seeking more and more “alone time” to find strength for the years ahead. Take as much time as you need. 💕
Oh man, what a potent essay. Thank you for this 🙏. I've been in my own season of processing lately on motherhood and being a woman in this world and marriage. One concept that has been especially potent for me is 'self-silencing', which is how women attend to silence our own needs and identifies in order to maintain relationships (especially with our partners) and gender norms.
Your processing seems to be fitting along some of those same lines; the way we have to burst out of the narrow, suffocating boxes we somehow started living in (through a combination of volunteering and force from society/others). I've been unlearning Self-Silencing myself, and damn has it rocked the boat... But I don't think I (or my marriage) could've survived otherwise.
I wish you all the luck on your journey. Wherever you end up, it's clear you're doing it with love, compassion, and intentionality... Which is really all we can hope for from one another.
Absolutely -- self-silencing is a very apt term! I very much want relationships in my life, but I need to be able to express myself authentically within them. I've also rocked the boat and it's not that my husband wants to silence me, but the new dynamic has been hard to process. Thank you for your good luck wishes!
💜 When I was thinking about how to describe myself to a stranger, I automatically thought “mom of 2 autistic kids, wife, etc”. Why do I always, always describe myself in relation to someone else first? Why can’t I describe myself as a collection of my passions and my interests and my life events? Society? Internalized ableism? Lack of belief in myself? All of the above…?
Whew. I felt a deep exhale as I read this and I hope you were able to deeply exhale when you pressed publish! Thank you for this and thank you for including me.
I’ve spent years longing for community and I’ve come to realize that I don’t think there’s a secret option C, that a strong community always comes with control and judgement and all of those things we don’t much like today. That love always ties you down. The more vulnerable those that you love, the thicker the chains. That there’s always, always a trade off when it comes to human relationships because we’re all different and human and none of us are perfect. I see contemporaries (whom overall I admire) frequently post something about their lives with a note “no advice please, hugs and cute pics welcome” and other even more detailed instructions on how to respond and I both get it 100% and think… how controlling can you be? How do you think that leads to durable real human relationships? How does it leave any room for that? You’ve got to take the bad with the good or live without the good. None of this is to say that some people and some communities are not far more loving and supportive and good than others but that we should strive for the best version of these and we should leave the ones that are hurting us so much they’re killing our happiness or who we want to be but I don’t think the good parts of a community and separable from the bad, they’re a package deal. There’s value in the people who love us, even when they are deeply flawed. I wish you a wonderful separation, enjoyment of the time to yourself and a future of happiness and peace and long term satisfaction.
Absolutely, all communities come with trade-offs, and as someone who hasn't been part of a thriving community for quite a while, I'm quite sure I romanticize more communal lifestyles. At the same time, I also think the root of so much suffering these days stems from isolation. Community can be tiring and frustrating, but whatever happens, you know you're not in it alone.
Then of course there are communities who ask us to sacrifice too much... there's always a delicate balance between autonomy and attachment. We need both, but these days I fear that the progressive left (of which I consider myself a part) leans too far in the autonomy direction without acknowledging the vital importance of attachment.
I separated from my husband in 2019. My story is similar. He was becoming a “wall of anger” in my eyes, and I felt I was causing it. Our problems had been simmering for years, but they stayed on the back burner while we (mostly I) dealt with repeated crises involving our two autistic sons. I truly hoped that spending time apart would give us some much-needed perspective. It did for me, but he was just done. We divorced in 2021.
These years have benefitted me tremendously in learning who I am outside of a couple. The kids are grown and out, and there are finally no more crises. I needed to be somewhere quiet and stress-free enough to hear myself think. I think we as women need to push back on the expectation that we will simultaneously work, parent, and nurture our marriages without help from our partners. That probably means that men will also have to push back on outrageous 80-hour weeks. Married or not, it’s no way to live.
I can so relate. We were focused on getting through each day when our children were younger and my husband was in school, but that things have settled down a bit, our problems are becoming more apparent. And yes to time/space just to hear myself think!
I want to hug you, not because I feel sorry for you, but because I understand. Because it is a lot and no one tells us this. Because there's no village to help us.
I hope this journey you're on is healing for you and that you find yourself through it. I'd gladly be here for support.
I hope the weight has lifted a bit since you've published this and I hope you've created a path for women to finally start being vulnerable and admit that it is hard, instrad of brushing it off and act that's just life for everyone. We all need it and that's the only way to support one another.
Wow, this was amazing to read. Still processing my own role in trying to not fix my wife so it thus fixes our marriage, first I need to heal me! Thank you for your bravery.
Yes, that perspective shift has been a game changer for me. At first it seems disempowering, but it's really about relinquishing the need to control something you don't have control over, and taking control over what's actually within your grasp!
"I’m far more angry at the social forces that dictated we make lifelong vows to one another and then turned their attention to slowly sucking us dry. "
Oh my gosh, this whole article is so freaking relatable. Yes to the hourly emotional 180s. Yes to all the systemic pressure on marriage. Yes to what a horridly unfair term "failed marriage" is. Just all of it- as writers we're told to write from our scars, not from our wounds, but there is something so relatable and connecting about hearing about someone's present-tense reality instead of past-tense musings. Thank you.
Thank you Celeste! And yes, I'm not always sure that publicly processing such intensely personal things is a good idea (definitely held my breath as I hit the Publish button on this one), but my hope is that it can give some comfort to those who relate. Which seems to be a lot of us!
This speaks to me so much!
I never really had to juggle marriage and parenthood because by the time I became a parent, my marriage was largely over. We just coparented and it was so much easier than managing a marriage at the same time. I’ve often wondered how people do it all and it really is just. too. much. There’s the pressure to advance at work, to actually perform at work, to show up as a partner, to show up as a parent, and to juggle all of the tasks all at once.
I do think we should celebrate taking relationship breaks, turning marriage into coparenting, when we need to. Even without marriage, I never had time to think about myself until my child was old enough to not need me all the time. When you finally do, you start to figure out how much you didn’t know about yourself and how much of you was buried underneath all of the demands of life…that, too, needs processing. Best of luck with your process — I think it’s absolutely worth it to take the time to understand ourselves better.
You are speaking my language. There's way too much pressure on two people to fulfill a vast array of roles, and I don't think it's really possible to do all of them well. If we're killing it at work, someone at home is picking up the slack. If we're investing energy in our children, we don't always much left over for our partner. If we're awesome at co-parenting, we might have a hard time seeing one another as romantic partners. It's. Just. Too. Much!!
This is so beautifully written. I completely relate. You are not a failure if your marriage failed. And did it fail or did you change since you said your vows? That's my story. I am not the person at 52 that I was at 24 when I got married. The marriage didn't fail, we grew apart, I to different people on different paths. Marriage is hard, and makes no sense that it would last forever unless you grow at the same rate in the same direction. Or like you basically said, resign yourself to what you've got. I feel like we deserve more than that.
Absolutely. I think we can accept that sometimes things run their natural course. We all have had friends we're not close to anymore, but we don't talk about "failed friendships." Or we move on from jobs that aren't serving us anymore, but we don't talk about "failed jobs." It's just a weird and inaccurate way to frame a constantly evolving long-term relationship.
Love this. Change is a constant. Why are we so keen on making it a problem?
“Connection comes at the expense of self”
Rings so very true ….
Wow! I am also separated, married 41 years and trying to figure out what is next.
Thanks for sharing. Fifty years together and I find myself seeking more and more “alone time” to find strength for the years ahead. Take as much time as you need. 💕
Oh man, what a potent essay. Thank you for this 🙏. I've been in my own season of processing lately on motherhood and being a woman in this world and marriage. One concept that has been especially potent for me is 'self-silencing', which is how women attend to silence our own needs and identifies in order to maintain relationships (especially with our partners) and gender norms.
Your processing seems to be fitting along some of those same lines; the way we have to burst out of the narrow, suffocating boxes we somehow started living in (through a combination of volunteering and force from society/others). I've been unlearning Self-Silencing myself, and damn has it rocked the boat... But I don't think I (or my marriage) could've survived otherwise.
I wish you all the luck on your journey. Wherever you end up, it's clear you're doing it with love, compassion, and intentionality... Which is really all we can hope for from one another.
Absolutely -- self-silencing is a very apt term! I very much want relationships in my life, but I need to be able to express myself authentically within them. I've also rocked the boat and it's not that my husband wants to silence me, but the new dynamic has been hard to process. Thank you for your good luck wishes!
💜 When I was thinking about how to describe myself to a stranger, I automatically thought “mom of 2 autistic kids, wife, etc”. Why do I always, always describe myself in relation to someone else first? Why can’t I describe myself as a collection of my passions and my interests and my life events? Society? Internalized ableism? Lack of belief in myself? All of the above…?
So many quotable/relatable passages here that mean so much. So much of this resonates with me.
This one stuck out the most to me because it’s so absolutely true!!
“Don’t be a martyr, they say. Ask for help, they say. Then we try and we’re told to stop bitching.
Don’t be a people pleaser, they say. Stand up for yourself, they say. Then we try and we’re told to sit down.”
Whew. I felt a deep exhale as I read this and I hope you were able to deeply exhale when you pressed publish! Thank you for this and thank you for including me.
Yes, it was both scary and cathartic to write. Thanks for reading and thanks for sharing your stories!
I’ve spent years longing for community and I’ve come to realize that I don’t think there’s a secret option C, that a strong community always comes with control and judgement and all of those things we don’t much like today. That love always ties you down. The more vulnerable those that you love, the thicker the chains. That there’s always, always a trade off when it comes to human relationships because we’re all different and human and none of us are perfect. I see contemporaries (whom overall I admire) frequently post something about their lives with a note “no advice please, hugs and cute pics welcome” and other even more detailed instructions on how to respond and I both get it 100% and think… how controlling can you be? How do you think that leads to durable real human relationships? How does it leave any room for that? You’ve got to take the bad with the good or live without the good. None of this is to say that some people and some communities are not far more loving and supportive and good than others but that we should strive for the best version of these and we should leave the ones that are hurting us so much they’re killing our happiness or who we want to be but I don’t think the good parts of a community and separable from the bad, they’re a package deal. There’s value in the people who love us, even when they are deeply flawed. I wish you a wonderful separation, enjoyment of the time to yourself and a future of happiness and peace and long term satisfaction.
Absolutely, all communities come with trade-offs, and as someone who hasn't been part of a thriving community for quite a while, I'm quite sure I romanticize more communal lifestyles. At the same time, I also think the root of so much suffering these days stems from isolation. Community can be tiring and frustrating, but whatever happens, you know you're not in it alone.
Then of course there are communities who ask us to sacrifice too much... there's always a delicate balance between autonomy and attachment. We need both, but these days I fear that the progressive left (of which I consider myself a part) leans too far in the autonomy direction without acknowledging the vital importance of attachment.
Ooof…so complex, our relationships. Blessings as you rest and heal and live not being on call all the time, in this season.
I separated from my husband in 2019. My story is similar. He was becoming a “wall of anger” in my eyes, and I felt I was causing it. Our problems had been simmering for years, but they stayed on the back burner while we (mostly I) dealt with repeated crises involving our two autistic sons. I truly hoped that spending time apart would give us some much-needed perspective. It did for me, but he was just done. We divorced in 2021.
These years have benefitted me tremendously in learning who I am outside of a couple. The kids are grown and out, and there are finally no more crises. I needed to be somewhere quiet and stress-free enough to hear myself think. I think we as women need to push back on the expectation that we will simultaneously work, parent, and nurture our marriages without help from our partners. That probably means that men will also have to push back on outrageous 80-hour weeks. Married or not, it’s no way to live.
I can so relate. We were focused on getting through each day when our children were younger and my husband was in school, but that things have settled down a bit, our problems are becoming more apparent. And yes to time/space just to hear myself think!
Wishing you and your family healing.
Dear Kerala,
I want to hug you, not because I feel sorry for you, but because I understand. Because it is a lot and no one tells us this. Because there's no village to help us.
I hope this journey you're on is healing for you and that you find yourself through it. I'd gladly be here for support.
I hope the weight has lifted a bit since you've published this and I hope you've created a path for women to finally start being vulnerable and admit that it is hard, instrad of brushing it off and act that's just life for everyone. We all need it and that's the only way to support one another.
Thank you Vladica! It's amazing how many of us seem to be on similar journeys.
Wow, this was amazing to read. Still processing my own role in trying to not fix my wife so it thus fixes our marriage, first I need to heal me! Thank you for your bravery.
Yes, that perspective shift has been a game changer for me. At first it seems disempowering, but it's really about relinquishing the need to control something you don't have control over, and taking control over what's actually within your grasp!