For what it’s worth, as a queer woman, I do not find it annoying or insulting for straight women to be curious about dating women, and I don’t think it’s helpful for queer people to police other people’s explorations. If otherwise straight women want to experiment with hooking up with women for fun, more power to them — they just need to be open about it, and a lot of lesbians and queer people won’t really be interested, which is also their right.
When I was in my 20s, I went through the same kind of reckoning that you’re describing here, where I was like “I’m just not sure men are capable of being good partners,” and I was reading a lot about compulsory heterosexuality. I started recognizing the ways I had been attracted to women and non-binary people all along, but which had not felt ok to acknowledge up until that time.
I say if you’re interested, give it a whirl and don’t apologize. You’ll have to find out if you’re actually attracted to women and or non-binary people, and it will be hard to form actual sexual or romantic attachments if you’re not, but also there’s more than one way to have partners. Maybe you’ll want to find a platonic life partner who’s a woman, and then just hook up with men when you feel like getting laid.
Whatever you end up wanting, you have a right to want it! Other people don’t get to have an opinion about your desires.
Thanks for the great writing you do at your newsletter, I appreciate it every time!
Really appreciate your perspective, Lisa. I agree there are so many ways to experience intimacy. I've likewise thought about how nice it could be to have a platonic partner (male or female) and a physical hookup partner on the side. In general, I think we ask far too much of our romantic partners!
I strongly believe in the fluidity of attraction, and that one can be attracted to and fall in love with another person regardless of that person’s gender.
You don’t need to set out to date women, just don’t rule it out.
The plus side? You won’t have to tell her where to find “it”!
Yep, that would be my approach... I don't really want to set out to date anyone right now, so I'm just going to be open to whatever might or might not come my way. There is definitely more than one plus to exploring intimacy with women! 😂
Excellent, relatable piece. I relate to this on so many levels but none more than this: "I’m not entirely sure I can stomach the thought of once again making myself emotionally and physically vulnerable to a man who purports to respect women but who is blind to the many ways he benefits from male privilege, who is not actually committed to the real work of deconstructing his patriarchal conditioning, and who, if even on a subconscious level, believes that my time and labor are less valuable than his." INSERT PRIMAL SCREAM HERE.
Definitely primal scream-worthy! I've seen some otherwise empowered divorced friends fall into the same patterns with new boyfriends and I do NOT want to go that route.
Sometimes I wonder how much I was socialized to be heterosexual instead of fluidly somewhere else along the romantic preference spectrum. At the moment, I’m less interested in any romantic love and more interested in platonic intimacy.
Yep, same! And yes, if and when I want to pursue romantic intimacy, I do think I'd have to be intentional about exploring the other end of the spectrum precisely because of all the socialization. Clearly my attraction to women is not as strong as my lesbian friends, but that doesn't mean it's not there!
Thank you so much for this. We're exactly the same age so both had crushes on a member of new kids on the block and growing up in the era that we did with patriarchal conditioning was quite devastating for me as a cis hetero woman. I've been single for such a long time for a number of reasons but certainly a big one is that if I'm going to be in any kind of partnership with someone, I need them to be an outspoken feminist. And I'm not finding it easy to find single feminist straight men even in my very liberal enclave. So now I'm reevaluating my gender identity and my sexual orientation. Idk where it will go but I appreciate that I'm not the only one wading into unfamiliar waters.
I was just at my girls’ happy hour talking about all these! How timely…I have come to terms that I won’t settle, I will either find a man who loves women or I will be loving myself for the rest of my life. I don’t need men…
I love this, Kerala.
For what it’s worth, as a queer woman, I do not find it annoying or insulting for straight women to be curious about dating women, and I don’t think it’s helpful for queer people to police other people’s explorations. If otherwise straight women want to experiment with hooking up with women for fun, more power to them — they just need to be open about it, and a lot of lesbians and queer people won’t really be interested, which is also their right.
When I was in my 20s, I went through the same kind of reckoning that you’re describing here, where I was like “I’m just not sure men are capable of being good partners,” and I was reading a lot about compulsory heterosexuality. I started recognizing the ways I had been attracted to women and non-binary people all along, but which had not felt ok to acknowledge up until that time.
I say if you’re interested, give it a whirl and don’t apologize. You’ll have to find out if you’re actually attracted to women and or non-binary people, and it will be hard to form actual sexual or romantic attachments if you’re not, but also there’s more than one way to have partners. Maybe you’ll want to find a platonic life partner who’s a woman, and then just hook up with men when you feel like getting laid.
Whatever you end up wanting, you have a right to want it! Other people don’t get to have an opinion about your desires.
Thanks for the great writing you do at your newsletter, I appreciate it every time!
Really appreciate your perspective, Lisa. I agree there are so many ways to experience intimacy. I've likewise thought about how nice it could be to have a platonic partner (male or female) and a physical hookup partner on the side. In general, I think we ask far too much of our romantic partners!
Hear hear!
I strongly believe in the fluidity of attraction, and that one can be attracted to and fall in love with another person regardless of that person’s gender.
You don’t need to set out to date women, just don’t rule it out.
The plus side? You won’t have to tell her where to find “it”!
hahahaha omg spot on (so to speak 😉)!
Yep, that would be my approach... I don't really want to set out to date anyone right now, so I'm just going to be open to whatever might or might not come my way. There is definitely more than one plus to exploring intimacy with women! 😂
This is fun to think about...I hope kind, fair-minded, fun, self-aware people come into your life, in whatever form they appear.
Thank you, Mary! I hope so too :)
Excellent, relatable piece. I relate to this on so many levels but none more than this: "I’m not entirely sure I can stomach the thought of once again making myself emotionally and physically vulnerable to a man who purports to respect women but who is blind to the many ways he benefits from male privilege, who is not actually committed to the real work of deconstructing his patriarchal conditioning, and who, if even on a subconscious level, believes that my time and labor are less valuable than his." INSERT PRIMAL SCREAM HERE.
Definitely primal scream-worthy! I've seen some otherwise empowered divorced friends fall into the same patterns with new boyfriends and I do NOT want to go that route.
I can't speak for all the queer folks but YESSSSS lol.
Appreciate your opinion on the matter! :)
Sometimes I wonder how much I was socialized to be heterosexual instead of fluidly somewhere else along the romantic preference spectrum. At the moment, I’m less interested in any romantic love and more interested in platonic intimacy.
Yep, same! And yes, if and when I want to pursue romantic intimacy, I do think I'd have to be intentional about exploring the other end of the spectrum precisely because of all the socialization. Clearly my attraction to women is not as strong as my lesbian friends, but that doesn't mean it's not there!
Thank you so much for this. We're exactly the same age so both had crushes on a member of new kids on the block and growing up in the era that we did with patriarchal conditioning was quite devastating for me as a cis hetero woman. I've been single for such a long time for a number of reasons but certainly a big one is that if I'm going to be in any kind of partnership with someone, I need them to be an outspoken feminist. And I'm not finding it easy to find single feminist straight men even in my very liberal enclave. So now I'm reevaluating my gender identity and my sexual orientation. Idk where it will go but I appreciate that I'm not the only one wading into unfamiliar waters.
I was just at my girls’ happy hour talking about all these! How timely…I have come to terms that I won’t settle, I will either find a man who loves women or I will be loving myself for the rest of my life. I don’t need men…