Thank you for such a fantastic read! I can understand the succinct version from your ex. In my story, my ex described it as feeling "blindsided" and that "it came out of nowhere". I couldn't believe he felt that way when I remember having the same conversation over and over again for years. Amazing how two people can have such different perceptions of the same relationship. Good for you for taking back your life.
Right?!!! The concept that it comes out of nowhere is so berserk! It just goes to show how completely deranged and out of touch with reality these kinds of people are.
Helllloooo I have literally been saying this for years and years!
"I had been trying to explain my fury for fears. It was so sprawling". You perfectly described the years of helping, saving, researching...all the things countless women's do to make things better. Being in charge of "researching your family's salvation". I love that. Mine would often say, "I just don't know where we went sideways"--total lack of emotional awareness. But if you crack even an inch and show yourself to be human with fury of your own, it's theatrics, female drama. A tale as old as time in the patriarchy, and one that is dying hard. What a wonderful read. I hear myself in your words... as do so many women, I'm sure. A hard path you've chosen, but a freer one. I wish you all the blessings on this new, lighter journey.
I know it can sound “extreme” but he is abusive. Everything you described in your piece (and I am sorry you endured all of that) is him being entitled and being manipulative. I highly recommend Zawn Villanes for understanding this better..she sure helped me see a lot in my relationships with a couple of different men!
Be sure to give yourself lots of grace…it normally does take a while to come to terms with emotional abuse. A lot of us women have been there. Reach out anytime if you need someone who has been “through the trenches” in this area. 🌸
I don't actually know the story my ex-husband tells about how we ended (although he's always been kind about his previous exes so I expect there is no vitriol in it, but then again he wasn't with anyone else for nearly 15 years), but the whole surprise thing always baffles me.
It's almost never a surprise that things are bad, it's only a surprise when we decide to claim our power and do something about it, whether by actively leaving or refusing to fight and grovel. Kudos to you for making this choice for you and your kids!
I saw the title in my email and knew this was going to help me today. This is exactly what happened to me also. I went crazy and asked for a divorce for no good reason on March 10th. There was just absolutely no reason I would leave him and break up the family.
He texted me last week 'no wonder everyone hates you and thinks your (sic) crazy'. He keeps thinking if he teaches me what a marriage is (because I'm crazy and don't know that I am supposed to stay with him no matter what, through thick and thin) I'll come to my senses.
As soon as I saw the title I knew the rage was already brewing inside you for a long time, I just knew it wasn't sudden like men and society like to think. Because I've been there. And yes I snapped the day he lost his fifth job due to his own stupidity that he never was responsible for. Typical.
I'm glad you got out. I loved reading your story because it was so uncannily like mine. Just wow
Mine has lost 10+ (only 2 genuine layoffs) and not one has been his fault. It’s always his boss is an asshole. The last one was emotional abuse after I explained the concept due to MY history, which was ignored.
My breaking point was our child’s reaction to the latest firing. They admitted that they dont want their father around their future partner and children. We sat my husband down - for the first time our child and I - to say the same things that I have been saying for years. Still only denial and blame. When our child’s said “what are you going to do when you’re all alone, when mom divorces you and I’m not there?” My husband said, “I don’t know, probably go on vacation.”
Get me out of this hell created out of my ignored-the-red-flags choice!
Beautiful piece Kerala. The “blindsided man” is the man who didn’t listen or didn’t believe his wife would ever step into her power and claim her right to love and peace. I hope you find both.
Thanks for sharing this. My father was a terrible rage-aholic, like your husband. You have tried enough to solve the problem and heal yourself, which will continue in perpetuity. Please try to get some help for your kids. They probably think - down deep inside- that they were somehow the cause of their father’s anger. Kids always take on our pain. ❤️
Ironic that this happened on 4/20 and your cannabis search ultimately led to your final boss battle. The plant teacher is an interesting and subtle character in this tale.
This feels like such an important thing to have written, for you and many others. Thank you for sharing your truth.
I’ll never forget the moment when my longtime friend, who had been trying and failing to heal her marriage for years, finally, with great thought, decided she’d done all she could, and calmly informed her husband that she was done. Days later I heard from his sister, a mutual friend and a self professed feminist, say that she had “apparently become a demon and gone crazy all of a sudden.” I get the sisterly love, but I suppose I was expecting more nuance.
Yes, I think many women are guilty of accusing other women of "going crazy" when we just hear the man's side of the story. And yes, it's also not always gendered. This type of language can be a defense mechanism when we're too afraid or too much in denial to explore our own role or our own failures in the conflict. But it definitely does seem to be an accusation most commonly leveraged against women!
Yes! The burden of proof for "crazy" for women is so very low. And I think you're exactly right -- it's a fig leaf covering up a desire to not look at one's own part (or a loved one's part) in a complex situation. It's also how patriarchal impunity gets to keep impunity-ing.
beautifully written as always, Kerala. i think this kind of dynamic happens in all kinds of intimate relationships. it comes down to one person carrying more of the weight in order to keep a relationship going. it happens between friends. it happens between family members. it even happens between parents & offspring too. we live in a male-centered society that screws us all up with its misogyny and -isms. typically, it's women who are vilified whenever (particular) relationships crash. but the fact is, we all make mistakes and no one is perfect. and yet, when it comes to our roles as women, too much is expected. for me, when i decided to finally prioritize my own needs (after having an empty nest) and stop being a doormat, everyone connected to me got angry. standing my ground meant i looked like the "crazy" person because mothers/wives/daughters are expected to just do All The Things expected of us. it's taken a few years for loved ones to grudgingly accept this new me, accept the woman who dared to take her life back. kudos to you for taking care of yourself. i also admire your willingness to share these tender experiences for others. it makes us feel less "crazy" knowing we're not alone. thank you for writing down the bones. sending love & hugs. ~Mia
Thank you, Mia! It's so true that this type of language is not always gendered. It can be a defense mechanism when we're too afraid or too much in denial to explore our own role or our own failures in the conflict. But as you point out, women tend to get vilified more for failed relationships, particularly ones between men and women. Congrats for reclaiming your own sense of self, even at a cost. It's nice to know I have good company in my journey!
Wow, Kerala, your story is powerful, raw, unabridged, and compelling. There is no doubt that you lived within an abusive relationship, for far too long. I am so sorry for your experience. I know it's painful but you've taken the first step. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Be strong. Be safe.
This is so powerful. The myth of the blindsided man is the story of the man who wasn’t paying attention. Blessings to you and your kids in this time.
Thank you for such a fantastic read! I can understand the succinct version from your ex. In my story, my ex described it as feeling "blindsided" and that "it came out of nowhere". I couldn't believe he felt that way when I remember having the same conversation over and over again for years. Amazing how two people can have such different perceptions of the same relationship. Good for you for taking back your life.
It shows us how much they're listening, which is clearly not much. Thank you for reading!
My husband’s friend claimed his wife left him out of nowhere after 15 years and I said I bet she had been telling him to make a change for years.
Right?!!! The concept that it comes out of nowhere is so berserk! It just goes to show how completely deranged and out of touch with reality these kinds of people are.
Helllloooo I have literally been saying this for years and years!
"I had been trying to explain my fury for fears. It was so sprawling". You perfectly described the years of helping, saving, researching...all the things countless women's do to make things better. Being in charge of "researching your family's salvation". I love that. Mine would often say, "I just don't know where we went sideways"--total lack of emotional awareness. But if you crack even an inch and show yourself to be human with fury of your own, it's theatrics, female drama. A tale as old as time in the patriarchy, and one that is dying hard. What a wonderful read. I hear myself in your words... as do so many women, I'm sure. A hard path you've chosen, but a freer one. I wish you all the blessings on this new, lighter journey.
That was beautifully said, thank you Katie!
I know it can sound “extreme” but he is abusive. Everything you described in your piece (and I am sorry you endured all of that) is him being entitled and being manipulative. I highly recommend Zawn Villanes for understanding this better..she sure helped me see a lot in my relationships with a couple of different men!
Yes, I'm coming to terms with the emotional abuse. I wouldn't have put it that way until very recently but hope and denial can be a potent blend!
Be sure to give yourself lots of grace…it normally does take a while to come to terms with emotional abuse. A lot of us women have been there. Reach out anytime if you need someone who has been “through the trenches” in this area. 🌸
Indeed he is abusive. Agree totally.
Coercive abuse is hard to pinpoint and thus easy to minimize. Using anger as a form of control is a more visible flag.
I don't actually know the story my ex-husband tells about how we ended (although he's always been kind about his previous exes so I expect there is no vitriol in it, but then again he wasn't with anyone else for nearly 15 years), but the whole surprise thing always baffles me.
It's almost never a surprise that things are bad, it's only a surprise when we decide to claim our power and do something about it, whether by actively leaving or refusing to fight and grovel. Kudos to you for making this choice for you and your kids!
I'd say that's a pretty clear signal!
I saw the title in my email and knew this was going to help me today. This is exactly what happened to me also. I went crazy and asked for a divorce for no good reason on March 10th. There was just absolutely no reason I would leave him and break up the family.
He texted me last week 'no wonder everyone hates you and thinks your (sic) crazy'. He keeps thinking if he teaches me what a marriage is (because I'm crazy and don't know that I am supposed to stay with him no matter what, through thick and thin) I'll come to my senses.
Wow, the parallels are uncanny! I had a feeling I wasn't the only person experiencing this...
As soon as I saw the title I knew the rage was already brewing inside you for a long time, I just knew it wasn't sudden like men and society like to think. Because I've been there. And yes I snapped the day he lost his fifth job due to his own stupidity that he never was responsible for. Typical.
I'm glad you got out. I loved reading your story because it was so uncannily like mine. Just wow
Mine has lost 10+ (only 2 genuine layoffs) and not one has been his fault. It’s always his boss is an asshole. The last one was emotional abuse after I explained the concept due to MY history, which was ignored.
My breaking point was our child’s reaction to the latest firing. They admitted that they dont want their father around their future partner and children. We sat my husband down - for the first time our child and I - to say the same things that I have been saying for years. Still only denial and blame. When our child’s said “what are you going to do when you’re all alone, when mom divorces you and I’m not there?” My husband said, “I don’t know, probably go on vacation.”
Get me out of this hell created out of my ignored-the-red-flags choice!
Beautiful piece Kerala. The “blindsided man” is the man who didn’t listen or didn’t believe his wife would ever step into her power and claim her right to love and peace. I hope you find both.
Thanks for sharing this. My father was a terrible rage-aholic, like your husband. You have tried enough to solve the problem and heal yourself, which will continue in perpetuity. Please try to get some help for your kids. They probably think - down deep inside- that they were somehow the cause of their father’s anger. Kids always take on our pain. ❤️
Oof, yes I felt this and I've been here. I'm still called the home wrecker and destroyer of lives. But I am so much happier now.
Ironic that this happened on 4/20 and your cannabis search ultimately led to your final boss battle. The plant teacher is an interesting and subtle character in this tale.
The irony of 4/20 did not escape me!
This feels like such an important thing to have written, for you and many others. Thank you for sharing your truth.
I’ll never forget the moment when my longtime friend, who had been trying and failing to heal her marriage for years, finally, with great thought, decided she’d done all she could, and calmly informed her husband that she was done. Days later I heard from his sister, a mutual friend and a self professed feminist, say that she had “apparently become a demon and gone crazy all of a sudden.” I get the sisterly love, but I suppose I was expecting more nuance.
Yes, I think many women are guilty of accusing other women of "going crazy" when we just hear the man's side of the story. And yes, it's also not always gendered. This type of language can be a defense mechanism when we're too afraid or too much in denial to explore our own role or our own failures in the conflict. But it definitely does seem to be an accusation most commonly leveraged against women!
Yes! The burden of proof for "crazy" for women is so very low. And I think you're exactly right -- it's a fig leaf covering up a desire to not look at one's own part (or a loved one's part) in a complex situation. It's also how patriarchal impunity gets to keep impunity-ing.
Someone I love dearly is at the beginning of your story. She, the most patient, gentle person I know, is chiding herself to be more patient.
Thank you, Kerala, for recounting your story. Maybe sharing it will help her find her rightful fury.
beautifully written as always, Kerala. i think this kind of dynamic happens in all kinds of intimate relationships. it comes down to one person carrying more of the weight in order to keep a relationship going. it happens between friends. it happens between family members. it even happens between parents & offspring too. we live in a male-centered society that screws us all up with its misogyny and -isms. typically, it's women who are vilified whenever (particular) relationships crash. but the fact is, we all make mistakes and no one is perfect. and yet, when it comes to our roles as women, too much is expected. for me, when i decided to finally prioritize my own needs (after having an empty nest) and stop being a doormat, everyone connected to me got angry. standing my ground meant i looked like the "crazy" person because mothers/wives/daughters are expected to just do All The Things expected of us. it's taken a few years for loved ones to grudgingly accept this new me, accept the woman who dared to take her life back. kudos to you for taking care of yourself. i also admire your willingness to share these tender experiences for others. it makes us feel less "crazy" knowing we're not alone. thank you for writing down the bones. sending love & hugs. ~Mia
Thank you, Mia! It's so true that this type of language is not always gendered. It can be a defense mechanism when we're too afraid or too much in denial to explore our own role or our own failures in the conflict. But as you point out, women tend to get vilified more for failed relationships, particularly ones between men and women. Congrats for reclaiming your own sense of self, even at a cost. It's nice to know I have good company in my journey!
It was like I was reading my own story…wow
Wow, Kerala, your story is powerful, raw, unabridged, and compelling. There is no doubt that you lived within an abusive relationship, for far too long. I am so sorry for your experience. I know it's painful but you've taken the first step. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Be strong. Be safe.