I’m a primary caregiver/homeschool mom (never a trad wife). Your thoughts all hit the mark, but I wonder if there are actually fewer trad wives out there compared to nontrad SAHM like me? There may be a huge group of feminist non working women who would be excited to join forces with feminist working women on these issues, but media just focuses on what is an interesting (or divisive) story.
Yes, absolutely! If we could break down the barriers between SAHM, "working" moms, and also childfree women, I really truly think we could make some forward movement. My guess is that most folks who consume tradwife content aren't really extreme tradwives themselves but are kind of identifying because they feel shut out of other conversations.
Oh and also my house is a wreck most of the time too. Or at least any room the kids spend any amount of time in. My bedroom and our offices are usually pretty tidy. Being at home without paid work as a distraction and managing a spotless house while managing a family are not the same thing. ☺️
😆 I highly doubt my house would be spotless if I were a SAHM... and honestly I've never been the tidiest person. I would love my house to be a little more "cared for" though, like having more designated homes for things so I can actually find shit when I need it.
Wow this feels like you’ve pulled a chunk of my brain out and jotted it all down. This is top of mind all day every day for me. It’s so crazy that feminism oriented itself entirely around men — fitting us into men’s spaces, lifestyles, structures. I totally agree that some much-needed progress was made, but I SO desperately crave the reorientation. Can we start over with the movement? Start by asking what the world that we want to live in looks like, and then building toward that?
Excellent thought-provoking piece. The tradwives were around while I was a working mom years ago. They put in hundreds of volunteer hours at the elementary school, while looking down on those of us who did only the mandatory minimum number because of our other commitments and pesky full time jobs. (But who knows? Maybe feeling superior as “better” mothers made their choice to forego paid work more palatable.) It seemed somehow unfair that now I could be a lawyer in a position equal to men, but still have to find work flexible enough to also allow me to stay home with a sick kid, or take time for the mandatory volunteer hours. I did find a compromise job, but it came with (male) colleagues who resented my time away from the office, and a whole lot of guilt.
Yes, it's precisely these divisions and judgments that drive me nuts (and yes, I've been guilty of perpetuating them myself...) I'd love to live in a world where moms and dads, participating in the paid economy or not, can all meaningfully participate in our local elementary schools and other communities because our jobs allow us to prioritize this important work.
You know the thing I honestly can’t wrap my head around with influencers, tradwives among them? Are they really somehow convinced that this is their "authentic" self? Because it seems bafflingly obvious from the outside that it's a show...But I've also met people in real life who give me this same bizarre conundrum. Like, I know this is not real - are you convinced you're fooling me, have you managed to fool you, or is there some other thing that I'm missing here? 🤷🏼♀️
On the rare occasions that I consume influencer content, what's funny is that intellectually, I know I'm being fooled, but I'm still like, "Damn... I wish I had that kitchen!"
And to build on to this, their content is earning money for them!! It still takes work to manage brand deals, film and create videos, etc. It’s a lot more hours than someone would think it is, and a bit ironic.
Yes yes to all of this! I’ll admit, I don’t pay attention to these topics as much as my friends do and appreciate your writing. I’ve been able to balance what I guess is a more progressive feminist route and a more traditional wife path. It was convenient post college for me to work FT and be the breadwinner. When I wanted to have a child, I got to be the leader in that decision with the support of my husband. I ultimately played the long game unknowingly when I paced myself in my career growth and saved a lot of money. It’s been very nice to be FT homemaker raising our son while my husband works outside the home (thanks tradwives) but I set that up for myself (thank you feminists). I want all women to have true choice and not be forced or coerced into things by society.
Also the women in my family worked and took care of the home/family fluidly with balance and I’ve never seen a submissive wife in my own life so maybe that’s why I’m not one? We always said things like “grandma’s house” even though both folks lived there ya know? I am very independent too so that helps. I’m rambling now haha thanks!
I love this... I think both the choice and the ability to take breaks is so important. At the age my kids are now (almost 9 and 12), I definitely have more energy and headspace for work, but I would have given anything to have had more time with them when they were younger. And even now, what we consider full-time work is still way too much (for men and women) when you also have caregiving responsibilities. And really, all of us have caregiving responsibilities regardless of whether or not we're raising children of our own!
This an amazing essay. I’ve been considering writing about the tradwife movement and now I’m not sure I need to because you’ve said everything I could hope to say and more. Also I will likely keep thinking about the idea that “inside all of us there rages a battle between autonomy and attachment,” for quite some time.
The tradwife movement feels very 1950s after none of the boys got therapy for PTSD, society quite literally FORCED women back into the house because “the boys came home“ and the solution was epically drugging the Mom to help deal with stress.
Also… All of their husbands can afford yachts. So already it makes zero sense for the “average woman” to follow suit. 🤦🏻♀️
I relate so much to your painful awareness of things like nutrition, wasteful packaging, throwing away socks, etc. - but also recognizing you're limited in correcting how it's done. And yes to this idea of both equal partnership AND honoring unpaid labor.
“Do I think the most radical feminists and the most diehard tradwives can unite around a common vision of an economy focused on care? Probably not.”
Yes we can!!! Women must unite - particularly moms. We are distracted by unimportant differences at the expense of creating a better world in which parenting and keeping house isn’t completely unvalued and utterly impossible to do well. Our lack of ability to unite is the sole reason “women’s work” never gets the respect it deserves — which is more respect than paid work deserves.
(1. We do it for free, and for zero social position or respect — Millions of hours of volunteer work aka we are saints. 2. Humanity would go extinct without mothers yet would do just fine without investment bankers.)
The patriarchy is more than happy to have us divided into quarreling camps so men maintain the social position they achieve by making money, having a job title, and having a nice long resume. Moms have to be on the same side if we want to demand respect, status, appreciation, and hey maybe even social security for birthing and raising humans.
Feminists are happy to have us divided and quarreling too, because purified principle is their goal more than a better world which would be equated with a healthier social and cultural environment to raise kids in. Including a supportive village full of adults offering mutual respect and support to/of one another. How can you create a village if you are too busy feeling superior to 90% of your neighbors? We need to get the F over it. Women are the majority yet can’t get our needs and priorities out front and center either politicaly or culturally!
Also: please see Zawn Villines here on Substack with “feminism has a motherhood problem “ for a way better post than anything I could write.
Interesting read! As a tradwife-leaning womanist (my male partner does most of the cooking and we have almost equal participation in chores — as we care less about being “evenly balanced” and more about working harmoniously), I think the focus should be less on feminists vs tradwives and more on advocating for reformation of a late-stage capitalist society.
This whole “verses” thing distracts from the main problem: capitalism is killing us. Prioritizing care based work? Absolutely, as the most important role in society isn’t CEO or president, the most important role to civilization is MOTHER.
I think the "paradigm shift" we need is this: let's no longer act or talk as if caregiving and household management is NOT economic participation. We know it's work. You refer to it as "work" being done both by tradwives and by feminists. This work we do is valuable, worthy, and important not just in some gauzy, "social value" way (though of course it is that too)--but in hard economic terms too. That is, providing goods and services that have monetary value--even if we ourselves are subsidizing them--goods and services that would be very much missed if we stopped doing them, and which would cost a lot of money to replace. Let's insist on calling it Work. Let's keep making its complexity, difficulty, and time-intensiveness visible to the folks who haven't been used to seeing it, or who conveniently refuse to. Even if we can't get anyone to pay for it right now, let's not let anyone off the hook in acknowledging how unfair it is that we aren't getting paid for it. They should feel bad about that! I'm a feminist, but never again am I going to disparage caregiving or homemaking work. Those who want to choose that work should be able to choose it, those who have to do it should be respected and appreciated for it (and someday, maybe, paid!) and the rest of us need to continue proclaiming the economic value of that work.
I’m adapting this from @zawnvillines from Liberating Motherhood here on Substack, but for me, my activism IS parenting/caretaking well (which is skilled labor!). It is using my autonomy alongside my attachment to stand up against misogyny and patriarchy. It is both, and. (As so many things are).
It is making space for caretaking well and valuing the unpaid work I do in that space as equal to the work I could do in other (paid) spaces. It is decentering what others, or a society might tell me I “should be doing” (even in the feminist movement) and instead valuing my autonomy AND my attachment (as you so aptly put it).
I think that path is a challenging one as so often autonomy and attachment are seen in opposition to one another. However, I view my activism as about finding the thread that connects them; the link that ties them together; the interdependence between these two seemingly opposing pieces.
That to me is how I practice my feminism! Thanks for the great article. I’m here for the 5th wave.
Well, I liked your post because of the work you put in to write it. But I have to say I didn’t know much about this regressive movement. And I was acutely aware of how many times you used the word guilt. Each of us has strengths in different areas. Breadwinning and emotional support have been high on my list and encouragement towards education. And interestingly, my daughter is much better at keeping house than I am. I relish cutting the grass every Spring though. But I honestly don’t think I have felt much guilt about my innate tendencies. Perhaps the older you get the more you realize that we’re all just muddling through one day at a time. I believe that your children will become what their nature proscribes.
I think guilt is an widely shared experience for lots of working moms these days because we are asked to take on disproportionate amounts of care work in the home but still don't have time to prioritize it. I feel very little guilt about my innate tendencies, but I do feel guilt about my full-time job demanding so much of me that I don't have the time and energy to properly attend to important care work in the home.
I hear you Kerala and by the way share the mixed family dynamic. I worked full time before and after my daughter was born and her Dad was in school. Later my Mother’s Day treat was to drop her at her Dad’s house for the day since we split up when she was about two. I even took her to abortion rights meetings at night sometimes and she slept in her carrier. And she’ll tell you she’s been working herself since she was 13. But a spotless house was never in the equation. I didn’t consider myself a “working mom” I just believe independence is the goal. I hope some of this makes sense.
I’m a primary caregiver/homeschool mom (never a trad wife). Your thoughts all hit the mark, but I wonder if there are actually fewer trad wives out there compared to nontrad SAHM like me? There may be a huge group of feminist non working women who would be excited to join forces with feminist working women on these issues, but media just focuses on what is an interesting (or divisive) story.
Yes, absolutely! If we could break down the barriers between SAHM, "working" moms, and also childfree women, I really truly think we could make some forward movement. My guess is that most folks who consume tradwife content aren't really extreme tradwives themselves but are kind of identifying because they feel shut out of other conversations.
Oh and also my house is a wreck most of the time too. Or at least any room the kids spend any amount of time in. My bedroom and our offices are usually pretty tidy. Being at home without paid work as a distraction and managing a spotless house while managing a family are not the same thing. ☺️
😆 I highly doubt my house would be spotless if I were a SAHM... and honestly I've never been the tidiest person. I would love my house to be a little more "cared for" though, like having more designated homes for things so I can actually find shit when I need it.
My guess is the trad wives thing is ‘a thing’ because of social media. And I agree with you about the media focusing on dividing people.
Wow this feels like you’ve pulled a chunk of my brain out and jotted it all down. This is top of mind all day every day for me. It’s so crazy that feminism oriented itself entirely around men — fitting us into men’s spaces, lifestyles, structures. I totally agree that some much-needed progress was made, but I SO desperately crave the reorientation. Can we start over with the movement? Start by asking what the world that we want to live in looks like, and then building toward that?
Thank you for another gorgeous read ❤️
Reorientation, yes! I think there is a fifth wave of feminism coming on, maybe starting right here on Substack?!
I am in!!!! 🥳 🙌🏼 💯
Excellent thought-provoking piece. The tradwives were around while I was a working mom years ago. They put in hundreds of volunteer hours at the elementary school, while looking down on those of us who did only the mandatory minimum number because of our other commitments and pesky full time jobs. (But who knows? Maybe feeling superior as “better” mothers made their choice to forego paid work more palatable.) It seemed somehow unfair that now I could be a lawyer in a position equal to men, but still have to find work flexible enough to also allow me to stay home with a sick kid, or take time for the mandatory volunteer hours. I did find a compromise job, but it came with (male) colleagues who resented my time away from the office, and a whole lot of guilt.
Yes, it's precisely these divisions and judgments that drive me nuts (and yes, I've been guilty of perpetuating them myself...) I'd love to live in a world where moms and dads, participating in the paid economy or not, can all meaningfully participate in our local elementary schools and other communities because our jobs allow us to prioritize this important work.
You know the thing I honestly can’t wrap my head around with influencers, tradwives among them? Are they really somehow convinced that this is their "authentic" self? Because it seems bafflingly obvious from the outside that it's a show...But I've also met people in real life who give me this same bizarre conundrum. Like, I know this is not real - are you convinced you're fooling me, have you managed to fool you, or is there some other thing that I'm missing here? 🤷🏼♀️
On the rare occasions that I consume influencer content, what's funny is that intellectually, I know I'm being fooled, but I'm still like, "Damn... I wish I had that kitchen!"
And to build on to this, their content is earning money for them!! It still takes work to manage brand deals, film and create videos, etc. It’s a lot more hours than someone would think it is, and a bit ironic.
Yes yes to all of this! I’ll admit, I don’t pay attention to these topics as much as my friends do and appreciate your writing. I’ve been able to balance what I guess is a more progressive feminist route and a more traditional wife path. It was convenient post college for me to work FT and be the breadwinner. When I wanted to have a child, I got to be the leader in that decision with the support of my husband. I ultimately played the long game unknowingly when I paced myself in my career growth and saved a lot of money. It’s been very nice to be FT homemaker raising our son while my husband works outside the home (thanks tradwives) but I set that up for myself (thank you feminists). I want all women to have true choice and not be forced or coerced into things by society.
Also the women in my family worked and took care of the home/family fluidly with balance and I’ve never seen a submissive wife in my own life so maybe that’s why I’m not one? We always said things like “grandma’s house” even though both folks lived there ya know? I am very independent too so that helps. I’m rambling now haha thanks!
I love this... I think both the choice and the ability to take breaks is so important. At the age my kids are now (almost 9 and 12), I definitely have more energy and headspace for work, but I would have given anything to have had more time with them when they were younger. And even now, what we consider full-time work is still way too much (for men and women) when you also have caregiving responsibilities. And really, all of us have caregiving responsibilities regardless of whether or not we're raising children of our own!
Lol “grandma’s house”. Totally relate and that certainly says something about who is truly the head of household
This an amazing essay. I’ve been considering writing about the tradwife movement and now I’m not sure I need to because you’ve said everything I could hope to say and more. Also I will likely keep thinking about the idea that “inside all of us there rages a battle between autonomy and attachment,” for quite some time.
The tradwife movement feels very 1950s after none of the boys got therapy for PTSD, society quite literally FORCED women back into the house because “the boys came home“ and the solution was epically drugging the Mom to help deal with stress.
Also… All of their husbands can afford yachts. So already it makes zero sense for the “average woman” to follow suit. 🤦🏻♀️
I relate so much to your painful awareness of things like nutrition, wasteful packaging, throwing away socks, etc. - but also recognizing you're limited in correcting how it's done. And yes to this idea of both equal partnership AND honoring unpaid labor.
“Do I think the most radical feminists and the most diehard tradwives can unite around a common vision of an economy focused on care? Probably not.”
Yes we can!!! Women must unite - particularly moms. We are distracted by unimportant differences at the expense of creating a better world in which parenting and keeping house isn’t completely unvalued and utterly impossible to do well. Our lack of ability to unite is the sole reason “women’s work” never gets the respect it deserves — which is more respect than paid work deserves.
(1. We do it for free, and for zero social position or respect — Millions of hours of volunteer work aka we are saints. 2. Humanity would go extinct without mothers yet would do just fine without investment bankers.)
The patriarchy is more than happy to have us divided into quarreling camps so men maintain the social position they achieve by making money, having a job title, and having a nice long resume. Moms have to be on the same side if we want to demand respect, status, appreciation, and hey maybe even social security for birthing and raising humans.
Feminists are happy to have us divided and quarreling too, because purified principle is their goal more than a better world which would be equated with a healthier social and cultural environment to raise kids in. Including a supportive village full of adults offering mutual respect and support to/of one another. How can you create a village if you are too busy feeling superior to 90% of your neighbors? We need to get the F over it. Women are the majority yet can’t get our needs and priorities out front and center either politicaly or culturally!
Also: please see Zawn Villines here on Substack with “feminism has a motherhood problem “ for a way better post than anything I could write.
Love #nontraddad. Thanks for another thought-provoking piece, Kerala!
I'd be SO psyched if that actually became a thing!
Ha, love #nontraddad. Great piece!
Thanks! Always love your often humorous and always authentic take on caretaking!
I love your shout out to not-trad-dads!
Interesting read! As a tradwife-leaning womanist (my male partner does most of the cooking and we have almost equal participation in chores — as we care less about being “evenly balanced” and more about working harmoniously), I think the focus should be less on feminists vs tradwives and more on advocating for reformation of a late-stage capitalist society.
This whole “verses” thing distracts from the main problem: capitalism is killing us. Prioritizing care based work? Absolutely, as the most important role in society isn’t CEO or president, the most important role to civilization is MOTHER.
I think the "paradigm shift" we need is this: let's no longer act or talk as if caregiving and household management is NOT economic participation. We know it's work. You refer to it as "work" being done both by tradwives and by feminists. This work we do is valuable, worthy, and important not just in some gauzy, "social value" way (though of course it is that too)--but in hard economic terms too. That is, providing goods and services that have monetary value--even if we ourselves are subsidizing them--goods and services that would be very much missed if we stopped doing them, and which would cost a lot of money to replace. Let's insist on calling it Work. Let's keep making its complexity, difficulty, and time-intensiveness visible to the folks who haven't been used to seeing it, or who conveniently refuse to. Even if we can't get anyone to pay for it right now, let's not let anyone off the hook in acknowledging how unfair it is that we aren't getting paid for it. They should feel bad about that! I'm a feminist, but never again am I going to disparage caregiving or homemaking work. Those who want to choose that work should be able to choose it, those who have to do it should be respected and appreciated for it (and someday, maybe, paid!) and the rest of us need to continue proclaiming the economic value of that work.
I’m adapting this from @zawnvillines from Liberating Motherhood here on Substack, but for me, my activism IS parenting/caretaking well (which is skilled labor!). It is using my autonomy alongside my attachment to stand up against misogyny and patriarchy. It is both, and. (As so many things are).
It is making space for caretaking well and valuing the unpaid work I do in that space as equal to the work I could do in other (paid) spaces. It is decentering what others, or a society might tell me I “should be doing” (even in the feminist movement) and instead valuing my autonomy AND my attachment (as you so aptly put it).
I think that path is a challenging one as so often autonomy and attachment are seen in opposition to one another. However, I view my activism as about finding the thread that connects them; the link that ties them together; the interdependence between these two seemingly opposing pieces.
That to me is how I practice my feminism! Thanks for the great article. I’m here for the 5th wave.
Well, I liked your post because of the work you put in to write it. But I have to say I didn’t know much about this regressive movement. And I was acutely aware of how many times you used the word guilt. Each of us has strengths in different areas. Breadwinning and emotional support have been high on my list and encouragement towards education. And interestingly, my daughter is much better at keeping house than I am. I relish cutting the grass every Spring though. But I honestly don’t think I have felt much guilt about my innate tendencies. Perhaps the older you get the more you realize that we’re all just muddling through one day at a time. I believe that your children will become what their nature proscribes.
I think guilt is an widely shared experience for lots of working moms these days because we are asked to take on disproportionate amounts of care work in the home but still don't have time to prioritize it. I feel very little guilt about my innate tendencies, but I do feel guilt about my full-time job demanding so much of me that I don't have the time and energy to properly attend to important care work in the home.
I hear you Kerala and by the way share the mixed family dynamic. I worked full time before and after my daughter was born and her Dad was in school. Later my Mother’s Day treat was to drop her at her Dad’s house for the day since we split up when she was about two. I even took her to abortion rights meetings at night sometimes and she slept in her carrier. And she’ll tell you she’s been working herself since she was 13. But a spotless house was never in the equation. I didn’t consider myself a “working mom” I just believe independence is the goal. I hope some of this makes sense.
Oh, a spotless house is never my goal! 😂 "Not gross" is generally what I'm going for...
🤣🤣🤣. And of course I had just the one . . . I hear more is exponentially harder! ✊